8.4 我一直 kap 家己講話

8.4 Góa it-ti̍t kap ka-tī kóng-ōe

Koh-lâi tō sī khùn ê būn-tê. Khí-thâu, ta̍k-àm góa lóng khùn bô hó, ji̍t-sî koh-khah khùn bē-khì. Bān-bān ah, àm-sî góa chiah khùn liáu khah hó, ji̍t-sî mā khùn ē khì ah. Kóng si̍t-chāi, kòe-khì chit kúi kò goe̍h, góa chi̍t-kang lóng khùn 16-18 tiám-cheng. Án-ne góa tō chhun la̍k tiám-cheng ài tō͘, iōng lâi chia̍h-saⁿ-tǹg, pàng-sái-jiō, siūⁿ-kòe-khì, kap thè hit-ê Czech /chhek/ lâng pi-ai.

Góa bat tī góa ê chháu-chhio̍h-á hām bîn-chhn̂g-pang tiong-kan chhōe tio̍h chi̍t-phìⁿ kiông boeh liâm tio̍h pang ê kū pò-chóa, n̂g-n̂g koh thang-kng. Téng-koân sī chi̍t-ê sin-bûn kò͘-sū, bô thâu-chêng hit-tōaⁿ, m̄-koh che tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī hoat-seng tī Czechoslovakia ê tāi-chì. Chi̍t-ê lâng lī-khui Czech chng-kha chhut-gōa boeh khì thàn-chîⁿ. Jī-cha̍p-gō͘ tang í-āu, piàn hó-gia̍h ah, taⁿ i chhōa in bó͘ kap chi̍t-ê gín-á tńg lâi ah. In lāu-bú hām sió-mōe tī i chhut-sì ê hit-ê chng-kha khui chi̍t-keng sió kheh-chàn. Ūi tio̍h boeh hō͘ yin tio̍h chi̍t-kiaⁿ, i kā bó͘-kiáⁿ lâu tī lēng-gōa chi̍t-keng hotel, ka-tī chi̍t-lâng cháu khì chhōe lāu-bú, kiâⁿ-ji̍p kheh-chàn ê sî, lāu-bú bē jīn-tit i. Ūi-tio̍h chò-sńg, i tō kóng boeh tēng chi̍t-ê pâng-keng. I thiau-kang hiàn-chhut i chē-chē ê chîⁿ. Hit-àm, in lāu-bú kap sió-mōe ūi-tio̍h boeh toa̍t i ê chîⁿ, kō͘ kòng-thûi-á kā kòng sí, koh kā sí-thé hiat-ji̍p tōa-hô ni̍h. Tē-jī kang, in bó͘, m̄-chai hiah-ê sū-kò͘, lâi kàu kheh-chàn, kóng-chhut yin ang ê sin-hūn. In lāu-bú chū án-ne tiàu-tāu, sió-mōe khì thiàu-chéⁿ. Chit-ê kò͘-sū góa chha-put-to ū tha̍k chi̍t-chheng piàn ah. Chi̍t hong-bīn, che bô siáⁿ ū khó-lêng. Lēng-gōa, che iū chin chū-jiân. Chóng-kóng, góa kám-kak hit-ê lâng mā-sī eng-kai, i si̍t-chāi bô eng-kai pìⁿ hit-lō pá-hì.

Chiū án-ne, nā m̄-sī khùn, tō sī siūⁿ kòe-khì, iah-bô tō sī tha̍k góa ê hoān-chōe kì-lo̍k, thiⁿ-kng, thiⁿ-àm lûn-liû lâi, sî-kan án-ne chiām-chiām teh kòe. Tong-jiân, góa í-chêng mā bat tha̍k-kòe kóng, tī kaⁿ-ga̍k ni̍h lâng ē sit-khì tùi sî-kan ê ì-sek. M̄-koh tú tha̍k tio̍h ê sî, he tùi góa bô siáⁿ ì-gī. Góa bē-tit liáu-kái ji̍t-chí ná ē-sái sī tn̂g mā sī té: tn̂g kah hoān-sè ká-ná teh thoa-miā, iū-koh mā ē hiah-nī sit chù-ì, in soah chi̍t-kang lâu-kòe chi̍t-kang. In sit-khì miâ-chheng. Tùi góa, kan-ta chhun "cha-hng" kap "bîn-á-chài" iáu ū ì-gī.

Chi̍t kang, kéng-ūi kā góa kóng, góa í-keng lâi 5 kò goe̍h ah, góa siong-sìn sī án-ne bô m̄-tio̍h, m̄-koh che tùi góa bô siáⁿ ì-gī. Tùi góa lâi kóng, chit-kang tō ná-chhiūⁿ góa tī kaⁿ-lô bô thêng-khùn ê ta̍k-kang kāng-khoán, kap ta̍k-kang teh chò ê tāi-chì mā kāng-khoán.

Hit-kang, tī kéng-ūi lī-khui liáu-āu, góa iōng siah ê pôaⁿ-á khoàⁿ ka-tī. Góa ê piáu-chêng khòaⁿ-tio̍h ná chin giâm-siok, sui-bóng góa te̍k-pia̍t kek chi̍t-ê chhiò-bīn. Góa kā siah-pôaⁿ tī bīn-chêng se̍h tín-tāng, ǹg i chhiò-chhiò, m̄-koh khòaⁿ tio̍h ê iáu-sī iu-chhiû, ngē-chiāⁿ ê piáu-chêng.

Chit-sî í-keng thiⁿ boeh àm, sī góa bô-ài kóng-khí ê sî-chūn, hit-ê bô miâ ê sî-chūn, kaⁿ-ga̍k ê ta̍k-chàn-lâu khai-sí ùi sí-sí ê che̍k-chēng hiáng-khí hông-hun ê chhap-cha̍p siaⁿ. Góa sóa óa thang-á, lī-iōng ji̍t-sî chòe-āu ê kng-sòaⁿ koh chi̍t-pái chù-ì khòaⁿ góa tī siah-pôaⁿ ni̍h ê hêng-iáⁿ. Iáu sī hiah-nī giâm-siok -- hō͘ lâng tio̍h-kiaⁿ ê sī, tī chit-ê sî-chūn kiám-chhái góa tō sī hiah-nī giâm-siok? M̄-koh tī chit-ê sî-chūn, mā sī kúi-ā kò goe̍h í-lâi tē-it pái, góa chheng-chheng chhó-chhó thiaⁿ tio̍h ka-tī ê siaⁿ-im. Góa ē jīn-tit he tō sī chin-chē kú-tn̂g ê ji̍t-chí ni̍h tī góa ê hiⁿ-khang hiáng ê siaⁿ-im, góa bêng-pe̍k, kú-tn̂g í-lâi góa it-tit teh kap ka-tī kóng-ōe.

Chū án-ne, góa siūⁿ-tio̍h hit-ê hō͘-sū tī Mama chhut-soaⁿ hit-kang kóng ê ōe. Bô, lán bô kî-thaⁿ ê chhut-lō͘, iah mā bô lâng siūⁿ ē-kàu, kaⁿ-ga̍k ê àm-mê tàu-té sī seⁿ-chò siáⁿ-khoán ê.

--

8.4 我一直 kap 家己講話

Koh 來 tō 是睏 ê 問題. 起頭, 逐暗我 lóng 睏無好, 日時 koh 較睏袂去. 慢慢 ah, 暗時我才睏了較好, 日時 mā 睏會去 ah. 講實在, 過去這幾個月, 我一工 lóng 睏 16-18 點鐘. Án-ne 我 tō 賰六點鐘愛度, 用來食三頓, 放屎尿, 想過去, kap 替彼个 Czech /chhek/ 人悲哀.

我 bat tī 我 ê 草蓆仔和眠床枋中間揣著一片強欲黏著枋 ê 舊報紙, 黃黃 koh 通光. 頂懸是一个新聞故事, 無頭前彼段, m̄-koh 這定著是發生 tī Czechoslovakia ê 代誌. 一个人離開 Czech 庄跤出外欲去趁錢. 二十五冬以後, 變好額 ah, 今伊 chhōa in 某 kap 一个囡仔轉來 ah. In 老母和小妹 tī 伊出世 ê 彼个庄跤開一間小客棧. 為著欲予 yin 著一驚, 伊 kā 某囝留 tī 另外一間 hotel, 家己一人走去揣老母, 行入客棧 ê 時, 老母袂認得伊. 為著做耍, 伊 tō 講欲訂一个房間. 伊 thiau 工現出伊濟濟 ê 錢. 彼暗, in 老母 kap 小妹為著欲奪伊 ê 錢, kō͘ 摃槌仔 kā 摃死, koh kā 死體㧒入大河 ni̍h. 第二工, in 某, 毋知 hiah-ê 事故, 來到客棧, 講出 yin 翁 ê 身份. In 老母自 án-ne 吊脰, 小妹去跳井. 這个故事我差不多有讀一千遍 ah. 一方面, 這無啥有可能. 另外, 這又真自然. 總講, 我感覺彼个人 mā 是應該, 伊實在無應該 pìⁿ hit-lō 把戲.

就 án-ne, 若毋是睏, tō 是想過去, iah 無 tō 是讀我 ê 犯罪記錄, 天光, 天暗輪流來, 時間 án-ne 漸漸 teh 過. 當然, 我以前 mā bat 讀過講, tī 監獄 ni̍h 人會失去對時間 ê 意識. M̄-koh 拄讀著 ê 時, he 對我無啥意義. 我袂得了解日子 ná 會使是長 mā 是短: 長 kah 凡勢 ká-ná teh 拖命, 又 koh mā 會 hiah-nī 失注意, in 煞一工流過一工. In 失去名稱. 對我, 干焦賰 "昨昏" kap "明仔載" 猶有意義.

一工, 警衛 kā 我講, 我已經來 5 個月 ah, 我相信是 án-ne 無毋著, m̄-koh 這對我無啥意義. 對我來講, 這工 tō ná 像我 tī 監牢無停睏 ê 逐工仝款, kap 逐工 teh 做 ê 代誌 mā 仝款.

彼工, tī 警衛離開了後, 我用錫 ê 盤仔看家己. 我 ê 表情看著 ná 真嚴肅, 雖罔我特別激一个笑面. 我 kā 錫盤 tī 面前踅振動, ǹg 伊笑笑, m̄-koh 看著 ê 猶是憂愁, 硬 chiāⁿ ê 表情.

這時已經天欲暗, 是我無愛講起 ê 時陣, 彼个無名 ê 時陣, 監獄 ê 逐層樓開始 ùi 死死 ê 寂靜響起黃昏 ê 插雜聲. 我徙倚窗仔, 利用日時最後 ê 光線 koh 一擺注意看我 tī 錫盤 ni̍h ê 形影. 猶是 hiah-nī 嚴肅 -- 予人著驚 ê 是, tī 這个時陣檢采我 tō 是 hiah-nī 嚴肅? M̄-koh tī 這个時陣, mā 是幾 ā 個月以來第一擺, 我清清楚楚聽著家己 ê 聲音. 我會認得 he tō 是真濟久長 ê 日子 ni̍h tī 我 ê 耳空響 ê 聲音, 我明白, 久長以來我一直 teh kap 家己講話.

自 án-ne, 我想著彼个護士 tī Mama 出山彼工講 ê 話. 無, 咱無其他 ê 出路, iah mā 無人想會到, 監獄 ê 暗暝到底是生做啥款 ê.

--

8.4

Then there was sleep. At first, I didn't sleep well at night and not at all during the day. Little by little, my nights got better and I was able to sleep during the day, too. In fact, during the last few months I've been sleeping sixteen to eighteen hours a day. That would leave me six hours to kill with meals, nature's call, my memories, and the story about the Czechoslovakian.

Between my straw mattress and the bed planks, I had actually found an old scrap of newspaper, yellow and transparent, half-stuck to the canvas. On it was a news story, the first part of which was missing, but which must have taken place in Czechoslovakia. A man had left a Czech village to seek his fortune. Twenty-five years later, and now rich, he had returned with a wife and a child. His mother was running a hotel with his sister in the village where he'd been born. In order to surprise them, he had left his wife and child at another hotel and gone to see his mother, who didn't recognize him when he walked in. As a joke he'd had the idea of taking a room. He had shown off his money. During the night his mother and his sister had beaten him to death with a hammer in order to rob him and had thrown his body in the river. The next morning the wife had come to the hotel and, without knowing it, gave away the traveler's identity. The mother hanged herself. The sister threw herself down a well. I must have read that story a thousand times. On the one hand it wasn't very likely. On the other, it was perfectly natural. Anyway, I thought the traveler pretty much deserved what he got and that you should never play games.

So, with all the sleep, my memories, reading my crime story, and the alternation of light and darkness, time passed. Of course I had read that eventually you wind up losing track of time in prison. But it hadn't meant much to me when I'd read it. I hadn't understood how days could be both long and short at the same time : long to live through, maybe, but so drawn out that they ended up flowing into one another. They lost their names. 0nIy the words "yesterday" and "tomorrow" st1'II had any meaning for me.

One day when the guard told me that I'd been in for five months, I believed it, but I didn't understand it. For me it was one and the same unending day that was unfolding in my cell and the same thing I was trying to do. That day, after the guard had left, I looked at myself in my tin plate. My reflection seemed to remain serious even though I was trying to smile at it. I moved the plate around in front of me. I smiled and it still had the same sad, stern expression. It was near the end of the day, the time of day I don't like talking about, that nameless hour when the sounds of evening would rise up from every floor of the prison in a cortege of silence. I moved closer to the window, and in the last light of day I gazed at my reflection one more time. It was still serious-and what was surprising about that, since at that moment I was too? But at the same time, and for the first time in months, I distinctly heard the sound of my own voice. I recognized it as the same one that had been ringing in my ears for many long days, and I realized that all that time I had been talking to myself. Then I remembered what the nurse at Maman's funeral said. No, there was no way out, and no one can imagine what nights in prison are like.

--