8.3 Kú--lâi ta̍k-hāng lóng ē koàn-sì
Āu-lâi, góa ê su-sióng tō sī siû-hoān ê su-sióng ah-lah. Góa tán ta̍k-kang khì tiâⁿ ni̍h pàng-hong, a̍h-sī tán góa ê lu̍t-su lâi. Kî-thaⁿ ê sî-kan góa mā an-pâi kah bē-bái. Hit-sî, góa tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ siūⁿ-kóng, chún-nā góa tio̍h tòa tī chi̍t-châng sí-chhiū ê chhiū-kho͘ ni̍h, bô siáⁿ thang chò, kan-ta sī taⁿ-thâu khòaⁿ thiⁿ-téng ê piàn-hòa, chiām-chiām góa mā ē koàn-sì lah. Góa ē tán chiáu-á poe kòe, a̍h-sī hûn tī hia sio-tú, tō ná-chhiūⁿ tī chia góa tán boeh khòaⁿ góa ê lu̍t-su ê nekutái, mā ná-chhiūⁿ tī í-chêng hit-ê sè-kài, góa bat nāi-sim tán pài-la̍k thang lám Marie ê bah-thé. Chit-chūn, góa koh siūⁿ tò-tńg, góa pēng m̄-sī tī khang-sim chhiū-kho͘ ni̍h. Ū lâng pí góa koh-khah chhi-chhám. Chóng-kóng, che sī Mama ê siūⁿ-hoat, yi chhiâng-chāi kóng, kú--lâi ta̍k-hāng lán lóng ē koàn-sì lah.
Jî-chhiáⁿ, góa pêng-siông bē hiah-nī téng-chin. Khí-thâu hit kúi kò goe̍h khah kan-khó͘. M̄-koh, sū-si̍t-siōng, góa ê chia̍h-khó͘ mā pang-chō͘ góa tō͘ kòe sî-kan. Chhin-chhiūⁿ-kóng, góa tio̍h jím-siū giàn cha-bó͘. Che sī chin chū-jiân; in-ūi góa iáu siàu-liân. Góa m̄-bat te̍k-pia̍t siūⁿ Marie. M̄-koh góa it-ti̍t siūⁿ cha-bó͘, siūⁿ jīm-hô lú-sèng, siūⁿ só͘-ū góa bat ê cha-bó͘, siūⁿ chióng-chióng kap yin sóng-khoài ê tiûⁿ-ha̍p, siūⁿ kah kui-ê kaⁿ-pâng lóng sī cha-bó͘ bīn, móa-móa sī góa ê giàn. Tī bó͘-chióng ì-gī lâi kóng, che hō͘ góa sit-siông. M̄-koh tī lēng-gōa ê ì-gī lâi kóng, che pang góa tō͘ sî-kan.
Lo̍h-bóe góa hām kéng-ūi pan-tiúⁿ kau pêng-iú, chia̍h-pn̄g ê sî i chóng-sī ài hām chàu-kha lâi ê lâng khai-káng. I sī tē-it ê hām góa kóng-khí cha-bó͘ ê lâng. I kóng, che sī siû-hoān oàn-thàn ê tē-it kiāⁿ sū.
Góa kóng, góa mā kāng-khoán, góa kám-kak án-ne chin bô kong-tō.
"M̄-koh," i kóng, "tō sī án-ne, lí chiah ē lâi chē-kaⁿ."
"Lí kóng tō sī án-ne, he sī siáⁿ ì-sù ah?"
"Hm̄, sī lah -- chū-iû, tō sī án-ne. In the̍h-tiāu lí ê chū-iû."
Góa m̄-bat siūⁿ tio̍h che. Góa tông-ì. "Án-ne bô m̄-tio̍h," góa kóng, "Nā bô, ná ū siáⁿ chhú-hoa̍t ah?"
"Tio̍h. Lí khòaⁿ, lí ē liáu-kái chit-lō tāi-chì. Kî-thaⁿ ê lâng bē. Lo̍h-bóe in chiah tio̍h khò ka-tī tháu-pàng." Kóng-liáu, kéng-ūi tō kiâⁿ-khui.
Hun mā sī chi̍t-ê būn-tê. Góa tú ji̍p-kaⁿ ê sî, in the̍h cháu góa ê khò͘-tòa, ê-tòa, nekutái, kap góa khò͘-tē-á ni̍h só͘-ū ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, te̍k-pia̍t sī góa ê hun. Chìn-ji̍p kaⁿ-pâng liáu, góa iau-kiû boeh the̍h hiah-ê tńg lâi. M̄-koh in kóng, he bē-sái-tit. Khí-thâu hit kúi-kang si̍t-chāi chiâⁿ kan-khó͘. He hoān-sè sī góa siōng kan-khó͘ ê tāi-chì. Góa tio̍h suh góa ùi bîn-chhn̂g-pang liah lo̍h-lâi ê chhâ-phòe-á. Kui-kang góa hîn-hîn se̍h-lin-long. Góa bô liáu-kái sī án-chóaⁿ in boeh siu he, he kin-pún to bē siong-hāi jīm-hô lâng. Āu-lâi, góa lí-kái, he mā sī chhú-hoa̍t ê chi̍t-pō͘-hūn. M̄-koh kàu hit-sî góa í-keng koàn-sì bô chia̍h-hun ah, he tùi góa mā m̄-sī chhú-hoa̍t ah-lah.
Tî-liáu chiah-ê thó-ià ê tāi-chì í-gōa, góa mā bē kóng gōa bô hoaⁿ-hí. Chú-iàu ê būn-tê iū-koh sī tō͘ sî-kan. Tán kàu góa o̍h tio̍h án-chóaⁿ hôe-sióng kòe-khì ê tāi-chì, góa tō oân-choân bē bô-liâu ah-lah. Ū-sî, góa tō siūⁿ goán tau, kō͘ siūⁿ ê, góa ùi chi̍t-ê kak-lo̍h khai-sí se̍h pâng-keng, iân-lō͘ iōng-sim chù-ì khòaⁿ-tio̍h ê ta̍k-hāng mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Thâu-khí-seng, chin kín tō se̍h chi̍t-liàn ah. M̄-koh, múi-kái góa têng-lâi, sî-kan tō thoa lú tn̂g. Góa ē khì siūⁿ múi chi̍t-hāng ka-kū, múi chi̍t-hāng ka-kū tō siūⁿ téng-koân ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ; múi chi̍t-ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ tō siūⁿ i ê iù-pō͘; só͘-ū ê iù-pō͘ pún-sin -- m̄-koán sī hiàu-phôe, pit-sûn, a̍h khih-kak -- tō siūⁿ i ê sek-chhái kap bûn-lí. Tông-sî, góa chīn-liōng kì-tiâu chiah-ê sū-sū hāng-hāng ê sòaⁿ-soh, hō͘ i chiâⁿ-chò chi̍t-ê oân-chéng ê chheng-toaⁿ, án-ne keng-kòe kúi-ā lé-pài liáu-āu, góa tō ē-tàng khai kúi-ā tiám-cheng khì chi̍t-hāng chi̍t-hāng tiám goán tau ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Góa lú khì siūⁿ he, góa tō lú ùi kì-tî ni̍h óe chhut kòe-khì bô chù-ì tio̍h a̍h-sī bē-kì-tit ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ.
Chū án-ne góa hoat-kak, chún-kóng chi̍t-ê lâng kan-ta oa̍h chi̍t-kang, i mā ē-tàng tī kaⁿ-ga̍k ni̍h chin kán-tan kòe chi̍t-pah tang. I ê kì-tî ū-kàu hō͘ i bē bô-gī-niū. Bó͘ hong-bīn lâi kóng, che mā sī chi̍t-ê iu-tiám.
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8.3 久來逐項 lóng 會慣勢
後來, 我 ê 思想 tō 是囚犯 ê 思想 ah-lah. 我等逐工去埕 ni̍h 放風, a̍h 是等我 ê 律師來. 其他 ê 時間我 mā 安排 kah 袂䆀. 彼時, 我定定想講, 準若我著蹛 tī 一叢死樹 ê 樹箍 ni̍h, 無啥通做, 干焦是 taⁿ 頭看天頂 ê 變化, 漸漸我 mā 會慣勢 lah. 我會等鳥仔飛過, a̍h 是雲 tī 遐相拄, tō ná 像 tī 遮我等欲看我 ê 律師 ê nekutái, mā ná 像 tī 以前彼个世界, 我 bat 耐心等拜六通攬 Marie ê 肉體. 這陣, 我 koh 想倒轉, 我並毋是 tī 空心樹箍 ni̍h. 有人比我 koh 較悽慘. 總講, 這是 Mama ê 想法, 她常在講, 久來逐項咱 lóng 會慣勢 lah.
而且, 我平常袂 hiah-nī 頂真. 起頭彼幾個月較艱苦. M̄-koh, 事實上, 我 ê 食苦 mā 幫助我度過時間. 親像講, 我著忍受癮查某. 這是真自然; 因為我猶少年. 我 m̄-bat 特別想 Marie. M̄-koh 我一直想查某, 想任何女性, 想所有我 bat ê 查某, 想種種 kap 姻爽快 ê 場合, 想 kah 規个監房 lóng 是查某面, 滿滿是我 ê 癮. Tī 某種意義來講, 這予我失常. M̄-koh tī 另外 ê 意義來講, 這幫我度時間.
落尾我和警衛班長交朋友, 食飯 ê 時伊總是愛和灶跤來 ê 人開講. 伊是第一个和我講起查某 ê 人. 伊講, 這是囚犯怨嘆 ê 第一件事.
我講, 我 mā 仝款, 我感覺 án-ne 真無公道.
"M̄-koh," 伊講, "tō 是 án-ne, 你才會來坐監."
"你講 tō 是 án-ne, he 是啥意思 ah?"
"Hm̄, 是 lah -- 自由, tō 是 án-ne. In 提掉你 ê 自由."
我 m̄-bat 想著這. 我同意. "Án-ne 無毋著," 我講, "若無, 那有啥處罰 ah?"
"著. 你看, 你會了解 chit-lō 代誌. 其他 ê 人袂. 落尾 in 才著靠家己敨放." 講了, 警衛 tō 行開.
薰 mā 是一个問題. 我拄入監 ê 時, in 提走我 ê 褲帶, 鞋帶, nekutái, kap 我褲袋仔 ni̍h 所有 ê 物件, 特別是我 ê 薰. 進入監房了, 我要求欲提 hiah-ê 轉來. M̄-koh in 講, he 袂使得. 起頭彼幾工實在誠艱苦. He 凡勢是我上艱苦 ê 代誌. 我著欶我 ùi 眠床枋 liah 落來 ê 柴 phòe 仔. 規工我眩眩踅 lin-long. 我無了解是按怎 in 欲收 he, he 根本 to 袂傷害任何人. 後來, 我理解, he mā 是處罰 ê 一部份. M̄-koh 到彼時我已經慣勢無食薰 ah, he 對我 mā 毋是處罰 ah-lah.
除了 chiah-ê 討厭 ê 代誌以外, 我 mā 袂講偌無歡喜. 主要 ê 問題又 koh 是度時間. 等到我學著按怎回想過去 ê 代誌, 我 tō 完全袂無聊 ah-lah. 有時, 我 tō 想阮兜, kō͘ 想 ê, 我 ùi 一个角落開始踅房間, 沿路用心注意看著 ê 逐項物件. 頭起先, 真緊 tō 踅一輾 ah. M̄-koh, 每改我重來, 時間 tō 拖 lú 長. 我會去想每一項家具, 每一項家具 tō 想頂懸 ê 物件; 每一个物件 tō 想伊 ê 幼部; 所有 ê 幼部本身 -- 毋管是 hiàu 皮, pit 巡, a̍h 缺角 -- tō 想伊 ê 色彩 kap 紋理. 同時, 我盡量記牢 chiah-ê 事事項項 ê 線索, 予伊成做一个完整 ê 清單, án-ne 經過幾 ā 禮拜了後, 我 tō 會當開幾 ā 點鐘去一項一項點阮兜 ê 物件. 我 lú 去想 he, 我 tō lú ùi 記持 ni̍h 挖出過去無注意著 a̍h 是袂記得 ê 物件.
自 án-ne 我發覺, 準講一个人干焦活一工, 伊 mā 會當 tī 監獄 ni̍h 真簡單過一百冬. 伊 ê 記持有夠予伊袂無議量. 某方面來講, 這 mā 是一个優點.
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8.3
Afterwards my only thoughts were those of a prisoner. I waited for the daily walk, which I took in the courtyard, or for a visit from my lawyer. The rest of the time I managed pretty well. At the time, I often thought that if I had had to live in the trunk of a dead tree, with nothing to do but look up at the sky flowering overhead, little by little I would have gotten used to it. I would have waited for birds to fly by or clouds to mingle, just as here I waited to see my lawyer's ties and just as, in another world, I used to wait patiently until Saturday to hold Marie's body in my arms. Now, as I think back on it, I wasn't in a hollow tree trunk. There were others worse off than me. Anyway, it was one of Maman's ideas, and she often repeated it, that after a while you could get used to anything.
Besides, I usually didn't take things so far. The first months were hard. But in fact the effort I had to make helped pass the time. For example, I was tormented by my desire for a woman. It was only natural; I was young. I never thought specifically of Marie. But I thought so much about a woman, about women, about all the ones I had known, about all the circumstances in which I had enjoyed them, that my cell would be filled with their faces and crowded with my desires. In one sense, it threw me off balance. But in another, it killed time. I had ended up making friends with the head guard, who used to make the rounds with the kitchen hands at meal-time. He's the one who first talked to me about women. He told me it was the first thing the others complained about. I told him it was the same for me and that I thought it was unfair treatment. "But," he said, "that's exactly why you're in prison." "What do you mean that's why?" "Well, yes-freedom, that's why. They've taken away your freedom." I'd never thought about that. I agreed. "It's true," I said. "Otherwise, what would be the punishment?" "Right. You see, you understand these things. The rest of them don't. But they just end up doing it by themselves." The guard left after that. There were the cigarettes, too. When I entered prison, theytook away my belt, my shoelaces, my tie, and everything I had in my pockets, my cigarettes in particular. Once I was in my cell, I asked to have them back. But I was told I wasn't allowed. The first few days were really rough. That may be the thing that was hardest for me. I would suck on chips of wood that I broke off my bed planks. I walked around nauseated all day long. I couldn't understand why they had taken them away when they didn't hurt anybody. Later on I realized that that too was part of the punishment. But by then I had gotten used to not smoking and it wasn't a punishment anymore.
Apart from these annoyances, I wasn't too unhappy. Once again the main problem was killing time. Eventually, once I learned how to remember things, I wasn't bored at all. Sometimes I would get to thinking about my room, and in my imagination I would start at one corner and circle the room, mentally noting everything there was on the way. At first it didn't take long. But every time I started over, it took a little longer. I would remember every piece of furniture; and on every piece of furniture, every object; and of every object, all the details; and of the details themselves-a flake, a crack, or a chipped edge-the color and the texture. At the same time I would try not to lose the thread of my inventory, to make a complete list, so that after a few weeks I could spend hours just enumerating the things that were in my room. And the more I thought about it, the more I dug out of my memory things I had overlooked or forgotten. I realized then that a man who had lived only one day could easily live for a hundred years in prison. He would have enough memories to keep him from being bored. In a way, it was an advantage.
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