10.1 In 講我, 較濟過講我 ê 罪

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10.1 In kóng góa, khah chē kòe kóng góa ê chōe.

Tō-kóng lí sī chē tī pī-kò-se̍k thiaⁿ lâng tâm-lūn lí, he mā sī chiâⁿ chhù-bī. Kiám-chhat-koaⁿ hām góa ê lu̍t-su teh chò kiat-lūn ê sî, chē-chē só͘-chāi lóng kóng-tio̍h góa, hoān-sè kóng góa, khah chē kòe kóng góa ê chōe.

M̄-koh in hit nn̄g-phiⁿ káng-ián kám ū siáⁿ tōa chha-pia̍t ah? Góa ê lu̍t-su chhiú gia̍h koân-koân, sêng-jīn góa ū chōe-kò, m̄-koh mā ū ta̍t-tit goân-liōng ê só͘-chāi. Kiám-chhat-koaⁿ chhiú lāng koh iô, soan-pò͘ góa ê chōe-kò, m̄-koh bô lí-iû thang goân-liōng.

Ū chi̍t-hāng tāi-chì hō͘ góa sió-khóa khùn-jiáu. Sui-bóng ta̍k-hāng lóng ín-khí góa ê koan-sim, m̄-koh ū-sî góa chiok siūⁿ boeh chhap kúi-kù ah. m̄-koh góa ê lu̍t-su it-ti̍t thê-chhéⁿ góa, "Lí tiām-tiām -- ke-kóng tùi lí ê àn-kiāⁿ bô hó-chhù." Ùi bó͘ hong-bīn lâi khòaⁿ, in teh piān chit-ê àn-kiāⁿ bē-su he kap góa bô siáⁿ tī-tāi. Chìn-hêng tiong ê hāng-hāng lóng bô góa ê chham-ú. Góa ê miā-ūn ê koat-tēng, oân-choân bô lâng lâi mn̄g góa ê ì-kiàn.

Ū-sî-chūn góa kiông-boeh phah-tn̄g in ê cheng-lūn, chhap-ōe kóng, "Tán leh! Tàu-té siáng chiah sī pī-kò ah? Pī-kò mā chin tiōng-iàu. Góa ū ōe boeh kóng."

M̄-koh, koh siūⁿ leh, góa mā bô-siáⁿ thang kóng. Koh-kóng, góa tio̍h sêng-jīn, lán tùi pa̍t-lâng kám-kak hèng-chhù ê sî-kan bē chin tn̂g. Chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng, góa chin kín tō tùi kiám-chhat-koaⁿ kóng ê ōe kám-kak ià-siān. Kan-ta chi̍t-kóa kap choân-kio̍k bô-koan ê phìⁿ-tōaⁿ, chhiú-sè, a̍h-sī lò-lò-tn̂g ê gī-lūn chiah ē ín-khí góa ê hèng-chhù.

I só͘ kóng ê tiōng-tiám, jû-kó góa ê lí-kái bô m̄-tio̍h, tō-sī góa ê hoān-chōe sī ī-bô͘ ê. Siōng-bô, che sī i siūⁿ boeh chèng-bêng ê. I án-ne kóng, "Kok-ūi, góa lâi chèng-bêng hō͘ lín khòaⁿ. Góa kō͘ nn̄g-ê hong-hoat lâi chèng-bêng. Tē-it, kō͘ kng-thiⁿ pe̍h-ji̍t ē ê bêng-hián sū-si̍t, tē-jī, kō͘ chit-ê chōe-hoān lêng-hûn ni̍h ê sim-lí só͘ hoán-siā ê àm-sàm iáⁿ-jiah."

I thê-chhéⁿ hoat-têng kóng: góa kek gōa-gōa, bô-iàu bô-kín; m̄-chai goán lāu-bú kúi-hòe; keh-kang tō hām cha-bó͘ khì siû-chúi, khì khòaⁿ Fernandel ián ê chhiò-khoe tiān-iáⁿ; chòe-āu koh chhōa Marie tńg chhù. Chòe-āu hit-kù hō͘ góa siūⁿ chi̍t-khùn chiah bêng-pe̍k, in-ūi i kóng "hit-ê tah-thâu," m̄-koh tùi góa lâi kóng, he tō sī Marie lah. Koh-lâi i kóng tio̍h Raymond ê tāi-chì. Góa jīn-ûi, i khòaⁿ tāi-chì ê koan-tiám ū bó͘-chióng it-tì. I teh kóng ê mā ū khó-lêng. Góa tah-èng thè Raymond siá hit-tiuⁿ phe kā in tah-thâu siâⁿ chhut-lâi, hāi yi hō͘ chit-ê "tō-tek khó-gî" ê lâng ge̍k-thāi. Góa tī hái-than jiá Raymond ê tùi-te̍k, chū án-ne Raymond siū-siong. Góa kiò Raymond kā chhèng hō͘ góa, koh ka-tī chi̍t-lâng tńg-khì siūⁿ boeh iōng chhèng. Góa chiàu kè-ōe khui-chhèng. Góa tán chi̍t-khùn. Ūi-tio̍h boeh pó-chèng tāi-chì sêng-kong, góa koh khui sì chhèng, léng-chēng, khak-tēng, che sī su-khó kòe ê hong-sek.

"Tāi-chì tō sī án-ne, kok-ūi," kiám-chhat-koaⁿ kóng. "Góa kā tāi-chì ê keng-kòe ūi lín chéng-lí hó-sè, chit-ê lâng sī tī chheng-chhéⁿ ê chōng-thāi thâi-lâng ê. Góa tio̍h kiông-tiāu chit-tiám," i kóng, "in-ūi che m̄-sī it-poaⁿ ê bô͘-sat, m̄-sī tī hoān-sè ē-sái kiám-khin chōe-chek chêng-hêng hā ê chhóng-pōng hêng-ûi. Chit-ê lâng, kok-ūi, chit-ê lâng chin khiáu. Lí ū thiaⁿ-tio̍h i kóng-ōe, kám m̄-sī? I chai-iáⁿ án-chóaⁿ ìn-ōe. I chai-iáⁿ ōe ê kè-ta̍t. Bô-lâng ē-tàng kóng, i hêng-tōng ê sî m̄-chai i sī teh chhòng-siáⁿ."

Góa teh thiaⁿ, góa thiaⁿ lâng kóng góa chin khiáu. M̄-koh góa bô hoat-tō͘ chin-chiàⁿ lí-kái, pêng-siông lâng ê iu-tiám sī án-chóaⁿ tùi hoān-chōe ê lâng soah piàn-chò chia̍h-la̍t ê chōe-miâ? Siōng-bô he hō͘ góa chiâⁿ chhì-chha̍k, góa bô koh thiaⁿ kiám-chhat-koaⁿ kóng-ōe, it-ti̍t kàu góa thiaⁿ i kóng, "I kám ū án-chóaⁿ piáu-sī hoán-hóe? Lóng bô, kok-ūi. Chū ī-sím í-lâi, chit-ê lâng tùi i he ok-to̍k ê chōe-hêng liân chi̍t-kái to bô hián-sī kek-tōng."

Kóng kàu hia, i oa̍t ǹg góa, chéng-thâu-á kí góa, kè-sio̍k kong-kek góa, che góa chin-chiàⁿ m̄-chai sī ūi siáⁿ-mih. Tong-jiân, góa mā bē-tàng bô sêng-jīn i kóng ê bô m̄-tio̍h. Góa pēng bô án-chóaⁿ hoán-hóe góa só͘ chò ê. M̄-koh i ê bô-chêng hō͘ góa kiaⁿ chi̍t tiô. Góa goân-pún ē-sái chhin-chhiat koh hó-ì kā i kái-soeh khòaⁿ-māi, kóng góa m̄-bat ūi jīm-hô tāi-chì chin-chiàⁿ kám-kak hoán-hóe. Góa ê sim chóng-sī kòa-ì bī-lâi ê tāi-chī, kin-á-ji̍t a̍h-sī bîn-á-chài. M̄-koh khiā tī góa taⁿ ê li̍p-tiûⁿ, chū-jiân góa bô khó-lêng kā jīm-hô-lâng án-ne kóng. Góa bô khoân-lī piáu-sī jīm-hô kám-chêng a̍h-sī hó-ì. Góa tō koh thiaⁿ khòaⁿ-māi, in-ūi kiám-chhat-koaⁿ khai-sí teh kóng góa ê lêng-hûn ah.

I kóng, i ū thàm-thó góa ê lêng-hûn, hoat-hiān he sī khang ê, kok-ūi pôe-sím-oân. I kóng, sū-si̍t siōng góa pēng bô lêng-hûn, mā bô jîn-sèng, bô pòaⁿ hāng chiáng-koán lán-lâng sim-koaⁿ ê tō-tek goân-chek sī góa siūⁿ ē-kàu ê. "Tong-jiân," i koh kóng, "che lán bē-sái koài i. Lán bē-sái bâi-oàn i lêng-le̍k ta̍t bē-kàu ê khiàm-khoeh. M̄-koh, tī chit-ê hoat-têng, khoan-iông tòa lâi ê choân-jiân hū-bīn ê bí-tek, tio̍h niū-ūi hō͘ chèng-gī tòa lâi ê khah giâm-lē khiok khah ko-sióng ê bí-tek. Iû-kî sī, tī lâng ê sim-koaⁿ khang kah ná chhim-kheⁿ tit-boeh thun-chia̍h siā-hōe ê sî, tō chhin-chhiūⁿ lán tī chit-ê lâng só͘ khòaⁿ tio̍h ê." Hit-sî, i kóng-khí góa tùi Mama ê thāi-tō͘. I koh kóng-khí tú-chiah i kóng kòe ê, m̄-koh pí i kóng góa ê chōe iōng koh-khah tn̂g ê sî-kan -- sū-si̍t-siōng, tn̂g kah chòe-āu góa kan-ta chù-ì tio̍h, chit-ê chá-khí si̍t-chāi ū-kàu joa̍h.

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10.1 In 講我, 較濟過講我 ê 罪

Tō 講你是坐 tī 被告席聽人談論你, he mā 是誠趣味. 檢察官和我 ê 律師 teh 做結論 ê 時, 濟濟所在 lóng 講著我, 凡勢講我, 較濟過講我 ê 罪.

M̄-koh in 彼兩篇講演敢有啥大差別 ah? 我 ê 律師手攑懸懸, 承認我有罪過, m̄-koh mā 有值得原諒 ê 所在. 檢察官手弄 koh 搖, 宣布我 ê 罪過, m̄-koh 無理由通原諒.

有一項代誌予我小可困擾. 雖罔逐項 lóng 引起我 ê 關心, m̄-koh 有時我足想欲 chhap 幾句 ah. m̄-koh 我 ê 律師一直提醒我, "你恬恬 -- 加講對你 ê 案件無好處." Ùi 某方面來看, in teh 辯這个案件袂輸 he kap 我無啥 tī-tāi. 進行中 ê 項項 lóng 無我 ê 參與. 我 ê 命運 ê 決定, 完全無人來問我 ê 意見.

有時陣我強欲拍斷 in ê 爭論, chhap 話講, "等 leh! 到底 siáng 才是被告 ah? 被告 mā 真重要. 我有話欲講."

M̄-koh, koh 想 leh, 我 mā 無啥通講. Koh 講, 我著承認, 咱對別人感覺興趣 ê 時間袂真長. 親像講, 我真緊 tō 對檢察官講 ê 話感覺厭僐. 干焦一寡 kap 全局無關 ê 片段, 手勢, a̍h 是 lò-lò 長 ê 議論才會引起我 ê 興趣.

伊所講 ê 重點, 如果我 ê 理解無毋著, tō 是我 ê 犯罪是預謀 ê. 上無, 這是伊想欲證明 ê. 伊 án-ne 講, "各位, 我來證明予恁看. 我 kō͘ 兩个方法來證明. 第一, kō͘ 光天白日下 ê 明顯事實, 第二, kō͘ 這个罪犯靈魂 ni̍h ê 心理所反射 ê 暗毿影跡."

伊提醒法庭講: 我激外外, 無要無緊; 毋知阮老母幾歲; 隔工 tō 和查某去泅水, 去看 Fernandel 演 ê 笑詼電影; 最後 koh chhōa Marie 轉厝. 最後彼句予我想一睏才明白, 因為伊講 "彼个搭頭," m̄-koh 對我來講, he tō 是 Marie lah. Koh 來伊講著 Raymond ê 代誌. 我認為, 伊看代誌 ê 觀點有某種一致. 伊 teh 講 ê mā 有可能. 我答應替 Raymond 寫彼張批 kā in 搭頭 siâⁿ 出來, 害她予這个 "道德可疑" ê 人虐待. 我 tī 海灘惹 Raymond ê 對敵, 自 án-ne Raymond 受傷. 我叫 Raymond kā 銃予我, koh 家己一人轉去想欲用銃. 我照計畫開銃. 我等一睏. 為著欲保證代誌成功, 我 koh 開四銃, 冷靜, 確定, 這是思考過 ê 方式.

"代誌 tō 是 án-ne, 各位," 檢察官講. "我 kā 代誌 ê 經過為恁整理好勢, 這个人是 tī 清醒 ê 狀態刣人 ê. 我著強調這點," 伊講, "因為這毋是一般 ê 謀殺, 毋是 tī 凡勢會使減輕罪責情形下 ê 衝碰行為. 這个人, 各位, 這个人真巧. 你有聽著伊講話, 敢毋是? 伊知影按怎應話. 伊知影話 ê 價值. 無人會當講, 伊行動 ê 時毋知伊是 teh 創啥."

我 teh 聽, 我聽人講我真巧. M̄-koh 我無法度真正理解, 平常人 ê 優點是按怎對犯罪 ê 人煞變做食力 ê 罪名? 上無 he 予我誠刺鑿, 我無 koh 聽檢察官講話, 一直到我聽伊講, "伊敢有按怎表示反悔? Lóng 無, 各位. 自預審以來, 這个人對伊 he 惡毒 ê 罪行連一改 to 無顯示激動."

講到遐, 伊越 ǹg 我, 指頭仔指我, 繼續攻擊我, che 我真正毋知是為啥物. 當然, 我 mā 袂當無承認伊講 ê 無毋著. 我並無按怎反悔我所做 ê. M̄-koh 伊 ê 無情予我驚一趒. 我原本會使親切 koh 好意 kā 伊解說看覓, 講我 m̄-bat 為任何代誌真正感覺反悔. 我 ê 心總是掛意未來 ê 代誌, 今仔日 a̍h 是明仔載. M̄-koh 徛 tī 我今 ê 立場, 自然我無可能 kā 任何人 án-ne 講. 我無權利表示任何感情 a̍h 是好意. 我 tō koh 聽看覓, 因為檢察官開始 teh 講我 ê 靈魂 ah.

伊講, 伊有探討我 ê 靈魂, 發現 he 是空 ê, 各位陪審員. 伊講, 事實上我並無靈魂, mā 無人性, 無半項掌管咱人心肝 ê 道德原則是我想會到 ê. "當然," 伊 koh 講, "這咱袂使怪伊. 咱袂使埋怨伊能力達袂到 ê 欠缺. M̄-koh, tī 這个法庭, 寬容帶來 ê 全然負面 ê 美德, 著讓位予正義帶來 ê 較嚴厲卻較高尚 ê 美德. 尤其是, tī 人 ê 心肝空 kah ná 深坑得欲吞食社會 ê 時, tō 親像咱 tī 這个人所看著 ê." 彼時, 伊講起我對 Mama ê 態度. 伊 koh 講起拄才伊講過 ê, m̄-koh 比伊講我 ê 罪用 koh 較長 ê 時間 -- 事實上, 長 kah 最後我干焦注意著, 這个早起實在有夠熱.

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10.1

Even in the prisoner's dock it's always interesting to hear people talk about you. And during the summations by the prosecutor and my lawyer, there was a lot said about me, maybe more about me than about my crime. B u t were their two speeches so different after all? My lawyer raised his arms and pleaded guilty, but with an explanation. The prosecutor waved his hands and proclaimed my guilt, but without an explanation. One thing bothered me a little, though. Despite everything that was on my mind, I felt like intervening every now and then, but my lawyer kept telling me, "Just keep quiet-it won't do your case any good." In a way, they seemed to be arguing the case as if it had nothing to do with me. Everything was happening without my participation. My fate was being decided without anyone so much as asking my opinion. There were times when I felt like breaking in on all of them and saying, "Wait a minute! Who's the accused here? Being the accused counts for something. And I have something to say!" But on second thought, I didn't have anything to say. Besides, I have to admit that whatever interest you can get people to take in you doesn't last very long. For example, I got bored very quickly with the prosecutor's speech. Only bits and pieces-a gesture or a long but isolated tirade-caught my attention or aroused my interest.

The gist of what he was saying, if I understood him correctly, was that my crime was premeditated. At least that is what he tried to show. As he himself said, "I will prove it to you, gentlemen, and I will prove it in two ways. First, in the blinding clarity of the facts, and second, in the dim light cast by the mind of this criminal soul." He reminded the court of my insensitivity; of my ignorance when asked Marnan's age; of my swim the next day--with a woman; of the Fernandel movie; and finally of my taking Marie horne with me. It took me a few minutes to understand the last part because he kept saying "his mistress" and to me she was Marie. Then he carne to the business with Raymond. I thought his way of viewing the events had a certain consistency. What he was saying was plausible. I had agreed with Raymond to write the letter in order to lure his mistress and submit her to mistreatment by a man "of doubtful morality." I had provoked Raymond's adversaries at the beach. Raymond had been wounded. I had asked him to give me his gun. I had gone back alone intending to use it. I had shot the Arab as I planned. I had waited. And to make sure I had done the job right, I fired four more shots, calmly, point-blankthoughtfully, as it were.

"And there you have it, gentlemen," said the prosecutor. "I have retraced for you the course of events which led this man to kill with full knowledge of his actions. I stress this point," he said, "for this is no ordinary murder, no thoughtless act for which you might find mitigating circumstances. This man, gentlemen, this man is intelligent. You heard him, didn't you? He knows how to answer. He knows the value of words. And no one can say that he acted without realizing what he was doing."

I was listening, and I could hear that I was being judged intelligent. But I couldn't quite understand how an ordinary man's good qualities could become crushing accusations against a guilty man. At least that was what struck me, and I stopped listening to the prosecutor until I heard him say, "Has he so much as expressed any remorse? Never, gentlemen. Not once during the preliminary hearings did this man show emotion over his heinous offense." At that point, he turned in my direction, pointed his finger at me, and went on attacking me without my ever really understanding why. Of course, I couldn't help admitting that he was right. I didn't feel much remorse for what I'd done. But I was surprised by how relentless he was. I would have liked to have tried explaining to him cordially, almost affectionately, that I had never been able to truly feel remorse for anything. My mind was always on what was coming next, today or tomorrow. But naturally, given the position I'd been put in, I couldn't talk to anyone in that way. I didn't have the right to show any feeling or goodwill. And I tried to listen again, because the prosecutor started talking about my soul.

He said that he had peered into it and that he had found nothing, gentlemen of the jury. He said the truth was that I didn't have a soul and that nothing human, not one of the moral principles that govern men's hearts, was within my reach. "Of course," he added, "we cannot blame him for this. We cannot complain that he lacks what it was not in his power to acquire. But here in this court the wholly negative virtue of tolerance must give way to the sterner but loftier virtue of justice. Especially when the emptiness of a man's heart becomes, as we find it has in this man, an abyss threatening to swallow up society." It was then that he talked about my attitude toward Maman. He repeated what he had said earlier in the proceedings. But it went on much longer than when he was talking about my crime--so long, in fact, that finally all I was aware of was how hot a morning it was.

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