6.4 我 kō͘ 銃 kā 彈死

6.4 Góa kō͘ chhèng kā tōaⁿ-sí

Góa hām i it-ti̍t kiâⁿ kàu Masson ê chhù, i teh peh chhâ-lâu-thui ê sî, góa kan-ta khiā tī ē-bīn, thâu-khak hō͘ ji̍t-thâu pha̍k kah hîn-hîn, bô hoat-tō͘ koh peh hiah-ê lâu-thui khám khí-lih bīn-tùi hit nn̄g-ê cha-bó͘. M̄-koh jia̍t-tō͘ chin koân, mā bô hoat-tō͘ tiām-tiām khiā tio̍h pha̍k he ùi thiⁿ-téng it-ti̍t lo̍h-lâi, hō͘-lâng ba̍k-chiu peh bē-khui ê ji̍t-kng. Lâu tī hia, a̍h-sī kiâⁿ khui, si̍t-chāi sī kāng-khoán ê tāi-chì. Kòe chi̍t-ē-á, góa oa̍t-sin ǹg hái-than, khí-pō͘ kiâⁿ khì.

Chhiah-sek chhaka̍k-ba̍k ê kng-sòaⁿ iáu sī kāng-khoán. Tōa-hái chhoán kah boeh bô-khùi, chi̍t-ē koh chi̍t-ē pûn-tāng chhián-chhián, ut-būn ê sió éng phah phòa tī soa-than. Góa bān-bān kiâⁿ ǹg chio̍h-thâu hōaⁿ, ē-tàng kám-kak hia̍h-thâu hō͘ ji̍t pha̍k kah tiùⁿ-tōa. Só͘-ū ê joa̍h ah-lo̍h tī góa ê sin-khu, hō͘ góa kiông boeh bô hoat-tō͘ ta̍h-chhut kha-pō͘. Ta̍k-pái nā kám-kak ū sio-khùi chhèng tio̍h bīn, góa tō kā-ân khí-kin, tēⁿ-ân tī khò͘-tē-á ê kûn-thâu-bó, peⁿ-ân kui-sin ê sîn-keng, thang-hó bīn-tùi ji̍t-thâu kap i só͘ ín-khí ê thâu-hîn-ba̍k-àm. Múi chi̍t-si ê ji̍t-kng, m̄-koán sī hoán-siā ùi soa-á, ùi thè-sek ê lê-á-khak, a̍h-sī ùi phòa khì ê po-lê, lóng ín-khí góa chhùi-khí kā-ân. Góa án-ne kiâⁿ chin kú.

Hn̄g-hn̄g, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h hit-tui sió-sió àm-àm ê chio̍h-thâu, sì-chiu kho͘ chi̍t-liàn chha̍k-ba̍k ê kng kap hái-chúi ê pho. Góa siūⁿ tio̍h chio̍h-thâu āu-piah ê léng chúi-chôaⁿ. Góa boeh koh thiaⁿ i he but-but ê chúi-siaⁿ, thang bih-khui ji̍t-thâu, bih-khui kín-tiuⁿ, bih-khui cha-bó͘-lâng ê ba̍k-sái, án-ne thang chhōe tio̍h jia-iáⁿ, chòe-āu tō ē-tàng hioh-khùn. M̄-koh, tán góa kiâⁿ khah óa ê sî, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h hit-ê Raymond ê tùi-thâu í-keng tńg-lâi tī hia.

I ko͘ chi̍t-lâng, thán-chhiò tó leh, siang-chhiú thiap tī thâu-khak āu, hia̍h-thâu jia tī chio̍h-thâu iáⁿ ni̍h, sin-khu pha̍k tio̍h ji̍t-kng. I chhēng ê nâ-sek tà-saⁿ ná-chhiūⁿ tī ji̍t-kng ni̍h chhèng ian. Góa sió-khóa tio̍h-kiaⁿ. Chiū góa khòaⁿ lâi, hit-chân tāi-chì í-keng kòe khì ah, taⁿ góa lâi chia kin-pún kap he bô tī-tāi.

Chi̍t khòaⁿ tio̍h góa, i tō sin-khu sió chē khí-lâi leh, chhun-chhiú khì khò͘-tē-á. Chin chū-jiân, góa tō kā jacket ni̍h Raymond ê chhèng tēⁿ tio̍h. I koh tó lo̍h, m̄-koh chhiú bô ùi khò͘-tē-á kiu chhut-lâi. Góa iáu lī i chiâⁿ hn̄g, tāi-khài 10 bí chó-iū. Góa ē-tàng kóng, i he pòaⁿ kheh ê ba̍k-chiu sî-put-sî lóng teh chù-ì góa. Hái-éng ê siaⁿ ū khah nńg, pí tiong-tàu ê sî khah pêng-chēng. Sio-kāng ê ji̍t-thâu, sio-kāng ê ji̍t-kng chiò tī kap chá-chêng sio-kāng ê soa-po͘. Chiok-chiok nn̄g tiám-cheng, ji̍t-á bô tín-tāng, chiok-chiok nn̄g tiám-cheng, ji̍t-á pha-tiaⁿ tī iûⁿ-iân (溶鉛) ê hái ni̍h. Tī hái-pêng-sòaⁿ ū chi̍t-chiah tōa-chûn kiâⁿ kòe, góa sī ùi góa ê ba̍k-kak khòaⁿ tio̍h hit-ê o͘-tiám, in-ūi góa ê ba̍k-chiu tèng-tiâu tī chit-ê Arab-lâng.

Góa siūⁿ, góa nā oa̍t-sin kiâⁿ-khui, tō lóng bô tāi-chì ah. M̄-koh, kui-ê hái-than tī ji̍t-thâu ē ngiauh-tāng, ah tī góa ê kha-chiah-āu. Góa kiâⁿ kúi-pō͘ ǹg chúi-chôaⁿ khì. Hit-ê Arab-lâng bô tín-tāng. Koh-kóng, i mā iáu lī góa chiâⁿ hn̄g. Hoān-sè sī in-ūi i bīn-siōng ê ji̍t-iáⁿ, khòaⁿ tio̍h ká-ná i sī teh chhiò.

Góa tòng-tiām. Ji̍t-thâu khai-sí teh sio góa ê chhùi-phé, góa koh kám-kak tio̍h kōaⁿ-chúi chek tī ba̍k-bâi. Che ji̍t-thâu kap Mama chhut-soaⁿ hit-kang ê ji̍t-thâu kāng-khoán, góa ê pìn-piⁿ mā kap hit-sî kāng-khoán teh thiàⁿ, lāi-bīn ê hoeh-kin sia̍k-sia̍k-kiò. Chit-lō sio-joa̍h hō͘ góa tòng-bē-tiâu, tō koh ǹg-chêng. Góa chai, án-ne chin gōng, in-ūi ǹg-chêng mā siám bē khui ji̍t-thâu. M̄-koh góa ǹg-chêng ta̍h-pō͘, ta̍h chi̍t-pō͘. Chit-sî, hit-ê Arab-lâng, sin-khu bô peh khí-lâi, thiu-chhut i ê to-á, tī ji̍t-thâu tiong pí hiòng góa.

Ji̍t-kng ùi to-á hoán-siā kòe-lâi, ná-chhiūⁿ kim-sih-sih ê to-chhùi koah tio̍h góa ê hia̍h-thâu. Kāng hit-ê sî-chūn, chek tī ba̍k-bâi ê kōaⁿ-chúi tâng-chê lâu kàu góa ê ba̍k-chiu-phôe, chō-sêng chi̍t-iân sio-sio ê chúi-mo̍͘h. In-ūi sīⁿ tio̍h iâm-chúi kap ba̍k-sái, góa ê ba̍k-chiu lóng khòaⁿ bô. Góa só͘ kám-kak ē-tio̍h ê, kan-ta sī ji̍t-kng ná chhím-chhéⁿ-á (cymbals) kòng tī góa ê thâu-khak, bông-bông tiong koh ū ùi bīn-chêng hit-ki to-á poe lâi ê chha̍k-ba̍k siám-kng. Sio-thǹg-thǹg ê to-chhùi siah tio̍h góa ê ba̍k-chiu-mo͘, koh chha̍k tio̍h thiàⁿ tiuh-tiuh ê ba̍k-chiu.

Hit-sî, góa kui-ê thâu-hîn ba̍k-àm. Tōa-hái thò͘ chi̍t-chūn cha̍t-cha̍t, ná hóe ê sio-khùi. Góa khòaⁿ, he ná-chhiūⁿ thiⁿ-téng ùi thâu kàu bóe kui-ê liah-khui, lak hóe lo̍h-lâi. Góa kui-sin peⁿ-ân, chhiú ân-ân tēⁿ tiâu chhiú-chhèng. Chhèng-ke tiau-lo̍h; góa bong he ku̍t-liu ê chhèng-pèⁿ; tī hia, tī chiam koh chha̍k-hīⁿ ê chhò-hīⁿ siaⁿ tiong-kan, it-chhè ê it-chhè lóng khai-sí ah. Góa póe tiāu kōaⁿ-chúi kap ji̍t-thâu. Góa chai-iáⁿ, góa phah-phòa ji̍t-sî ê hô-hâi, phah-phòa hái-than ê te̍k-sû an-chēng, tī chia góa bat chin khoài-lo̍k. Āu-lâi, góa koh ǹg hit-ê bē tín-tāng ê sin-khu tōaⁿ sì chhèng, chhèng-chí chǹg ji̍p-khì, bô hûn bô jiah. He tō ná-chhiūⁿ sī tùi khó͘-lān ê mn̂g khok sì ē.

--

6.4 我 kō͘ 銃 kā 彈死

我和伊一直行到 Masson ê 厝, 伊 teh peh 柴樓梯 ê 時, 我干焦徛 tī 下面, 頭殼予日頭曝 kah 眩眩, 無法度 koh peh hiah-ê 樓梯坎起 lih 面對彼兩个查某. M̄-koh 熱度真懸, mā 無法度恬恬徛著曝 he ùi 天頂一直落來, 予人目睭 peh 袂開 ê 日光. 留 tī 遐, a̍h 是行開, 實在是仝款 ê 代誌. 過一下仔, 我越身 ǹg 海灘, 起步行去.

赤色鑿目 ê 光線猶是仝款. 大海喘 kah 欲無氣, 一下 koh 一下歕動淺淺, 鬱悶 ê 小湧拍破 tī 沙灘. 我慢慢行 ǹg 石頭岸, 會當感覺額頭予日曝 kah 脹大. 所有 ê 熱壓落 tī 我 ê 身軀, 予我強欲無法度踏出跤步. 逐擺若感覺有燒氣 chhèng 著面, 我 tō 咬絚齒根, 捏絚 tī 褲袋仔 ê 拳頭母, 繃絚規身 ê 神經, 通好面對日頭 kap 伊所引起 ê 頭眩目暗. 每一絲 ê 日光, 毋管是反射 ùi 沙仔, ùi 退色 ê 螺仔殼, a̍h 是 ùi 破去 ê 玻璃, lóng 引起我喙齒咬絚. 我 án-ne 行真久.

遠遠, 我看著彼堆小小暗暗 ê 石頭, 四周箍一輾鑿目 ê 光 kap 海水 ê 泡. 我想著石頭後壁 ê 冷水泉. 我欲 koh 聽伊 he but-but ê 水聲, 通覕開日頭, 覕開緊張, 覕開查某人 ê 目屎, án-ne 通揣著 jia 影, 最後 tō 會當歇睏. M̄-koh, 等我行較倚 ê 時, 我看著彼个 Raymond ê 對頭已經轉來 tī 遐.

伊孤一人, 坦笑倒 leh, 雙手 thiap tī 頭殼後, 額頭 jia tī 石頭影 ni̍h, 身軀曝著日光. 伊穿 ê 藍色罩衫 ná 像 tī 日光 ni̍h chhèng 煙. 我小可著驚. Chiū 我看來, 彼層代誌已經過去 ah, 今我來遮根本 kap he 無 tī-tāi.

一看著我, 伊 tō 身軀小坐起來 leh, 伸手去褲袋仔. 真自然, 我 tō kā jacket ni̍h Raymond ê 銃捏著. 伊 koh 倒落, m̄-koh 手無 ùi 褲袋仔 kiu 出來. 我猶離伊誠遠, 大概 10 米左右. 我會當講, 伊 he 半瞌 ê 目睭時不時 lóng teh 注意我. 海湧 ê 聲有較軟, 比中晝 ê 時較平靜. 相仝 ê 日頭, 相仝 ê 日光照 tī kap 早前相仝 ê 沙埔. 足足兩點鐘, 日仔無振動, 足足兩點鐘, 日仔拋碇 tī iûⁿ-iân (溶鉛) ê 海 ni̍h. Tī 海平線有一隻大船行過, 我是 ùi 我 ê 目角看著彼个烏點, 因為我 ê 目睭釘牢 tī 這个 Arab 人.

我想, 我若越身行開, tō lóng 無代誌 ah. M̄-koh, 規个海灘 tī 日頭下 ngiauh 動, 壓 tī 我 ê 尻脊後. 我行幾步 ǹg 水泉去. 彼个 Arab 人無振動. Koh 講, 伊 mā 猶離我誠遠. 凡勢是因為伊面上 ê 日影, 看著 ká-ná 伊是 teh 笑.

我擋恬. 日頭開始 teh 燒我 ê 喙䫌, 我 koh 感覺著汗水積 tī 目眉. Che 日頭 kap Mama 出山彼工 ê 日頭仝款, 我 ê 鬢邊 mā kap 彼時仝款 teh 疼, 內面 ê 血筋 sia̍k-sia̍k 叫. Chit-lō 燒熱予我擋袂牢, tō koh ǹg 前. 我知, án-ne 真 gōng, 因為 ǹg 前 mā 閃袂開日頭. M̄-koh 我 ǹg 前踏步, 踏一步. 這時, 彼个 Arab 人, 身軀無 peh 起來, 抽出伊 ê 刀仔, tī 日頭中比向我.

日光 ùi 刀仔反射過來, ná 像金 sih-sih ê 刀喙割著我 ê 額頭. 仝彼个時陣, 積 tī 目眉 ê 汗水同齊流到我 ê 目睭皮, 造成一沿燒燒 ê 水膜. 因為豉著鹽水 kap 目屎, 我 ê 目睭 lóng 看無. 我所感覺會著 ê, 干焦是日光 ná chhím-chhéⁿ-á (cymbals) 摃 tī 我 ê 頭殼, 茫茫中 koh 有 ùi 面前彼支刀仔飛來 ê 鑿目閃光. 燒燙燙 ê 刀喙削著我 ê 目睭毛, koh 鑿著疼 tiuh-tiuh ê 目睭.

彼時, 我規个頭眩目暗. 大海吐一陣 cha̍t-cha̍t, ná 火 ê 燒氣. 我看, he ná 像天頂 ùi 頭到尾規个裂開, lak 火落來. 我規身繃絚, 手絚絚捏牢手銃. 銃雞 tiau 落; 我摸 he 滑溜 ê 銃柄; tī 遐, tī 尖 koh 鑿耳 ê 噪耳聲中間, 一切 ê 一切 lóng 開始 ah. 我 póe 掉汗水 kap 日頭. 我知影, 我拍破日時 ê 和諧, 拍破海灘 ê 特殊安靜, tī 遮我 bat 真快樂. 後來, 我 koh ǹg 彼个袂振動 ê 身軀彈四銃, 銃子鑽入去, 無痕無跡. He tō ná 像是對苦難 ê 門 khok 四下.

--

6.4

I went with him as far as the bungalow, and as he climbed the wooden steps, I just stood there at the bottom, my head ringing from the sun, unable to face the effort it would take to climb the wooden staircase and face the women again. But the heat was so intense that it was just as bad standing still in the blinding stream falling from the sky. To stay or to go, it amounted to the same thing. A minute later I turned back toward the beach and started walking.

There was the same dazzling red glare. The sea gasped for air with each shallow, stifled little wave that broke on the sand. I was walking slowly toward the rocks and I could feel my forehead swelling under the sun. All that heat was pressing down on me and making it hard for me to go on. And every time I felt a blast of its hot breath strike my face, I gritted my teeth, clenched my fists in my trouser pockets, and strained every nerve in order to overcome the sun and the thick drunkenness it was spilling over me. With every blade of light that Hashed off the sand, from a bleached shell or a piece of broken glass, my jaws tightened. I walked for a long time.

From a distance I could see the small, dark mass of rock surrounded by a blinding halo of light and sea spray. I was thinking of the cool spring behind the rock. I wanted to hear the murmur of its water again, to escape the sun and the strain and the women's tears, and to find shade and rest again at last. But as I got closer, I saw that Raymond's man had come back.

He was alone. He was lying on his back, with his hands behind his head, his forehead in the shade of the rock, the rest of his body in the sun. His blue overalls seemed to be steaming in the heat. I was a little surprised. As far as I was concerned, the whole thing was over, and I'd gone there without even thinking about it.

As soon as he saw me, he sat up a little and put his hand in his pocket. Naturally, I gripped Raymond's gun inside my jacket. Then he lay back again, but without taking his hand out of his pocket. I was pretty far away from him, about ten meters or so. I could tell he was glancing at me now and then through half-closed eyes. But most of the time, he was just a form shimmering before my eyes in the fiery air. The sound of the waves was even lazier, more drawn out than at noon. It was the same sun, the same light still shining on the same sand as before. For two hours the day had stood still; for two hours it had been anchored in a sea of molten lead. On the horizon, a tiny steamer went by, and I made out the black dot from the corner of my eye because I hadn't stopped watching the Arab.

It occurred to me that all I had to do was turn around and that would be the end of it. But the whole beach, throbbing in the sun, was pressing on my back. I took a few steps toward the spring. The Arab didn't move. Besides, he was still pretty far away. Maybe it was the shadows on his face, but it looked like he was laughing. I waited. The sun was starting to burn my cheeks, and I could feel drops of sweat gathering in my eyebrows. The sun was the same as it had been the day I'd buried Maman, and like then, my forehead especially was hurting me, all the veins in it throbbing under the skin. It was this burning, which I couldn't stand anymore, that made me move forward. I knew that it was stupid, that I wouldn't get the sun off me by stepping forward. But I took a step, one step, forward. And this time, without getting up, the Arab drew his knife and held it up to me in the sun. The light shot off the steel and it was like a long Hashing blade cutting at my forehead. At the same instant the sweat in my eyebrows dripped down over my eyelids all at once and covered them with a warm, thick film. My eyes were blinded behind the curtain of tears and salt. All I could feel were the cymbals of sunlight crashing on my forehead and, indistinctly, the dazzling spear Hying up from the knife in front of me. The scorching blade slashed at my eyelashes and stabbed at my stinging eyes. That's when everything began to reel. The sea carried up a thick, fiery breath. It seemed to me as if the sky split open from one end to the other to rain down fire. My whole being tensed and I squeezed my hand around the revolver. The trigger gave; I felt the smooth underside of the butt; and there, in that noise, sharp and deafening at the same time, is where it all started. I shook off the sweat and sun. I knew that I had shattered the harmony of the day, the exceptional silence of a beach where I'd been happy. Then I fired four more times at the motionless body where the bullets lodged without leaving a trace. And it was like knocking four quick times on the door of unhappiness.

--