11.5 Góa mā boeh têng-thâu koh-lâi
Hit-sî, góa mā m̄-chai sī án-chóaⁿ, ká-ná sin-khu ū siáⁿ piak-tn̄g khì, góa khai-sí tōa-siaⁿ kā jiáng, kā kàn-kiāu koh kiò i m̄-bián ūi góa thó-chè i ê kî-tó. Góa chang tio̍h i ê tō-phâu ām-niá, thò͘-chhut it-chhè ut tī sim-koaⁿ ni̍h ê ōe, he sī hùn-nō͘ ê ai-siaⁿ, mā sī hoaⁿ-hí ê ai-siaⁿ.
I bē-su ta̍k-hāng lóng hiah khak-tēng, kám m̄-sī? M̄-koh, i ê khak-tēng bô chi̍t-hāng ē ta̍t-tit chi̍t-ki cha-bó͘-lâng ê thâu-mo͘. I sīm-chì bô khak-tēng ka-tī iáu oa̍h tio̍h, in-ūi i ná sí-lâng án-ne oa̍h tio̍h. Iah góa neh, khòaⁿ khí-lâi góa ná-chhiūⁿ siang-chhiú khang-khang, m̄-koh góa tùi ka-tī, tùi ta̍k-hāng lóng chin khak-tēng, pí i chē-chē koh-khah khak-tēng, tùi góa ê sèⁿ-miā, tùi góa tng-teh tán-thāi ê sí-bông lóng chiâⁿ khak-tēng.
Tio̍h, che sī góa só͘-ū ê it-chhè. M̄-koh, siōng-bô tō ná góa ê miā-ūn lia̍h tio̍h góa kāng-khoán, góa mā lia̍h tio̍h góa ê miā-ūn. Chū-lâi góa tō tio̍h ah, taⁿ góa mā-sī tio̍h ê, góa it-ti̍t lóng sī tio̍h ê. Góa bat kō͘ chi̍t-chióng hong-sek seng-oa̍h, góa mā ē-sái kō͘ pa̍t-chióng hong-sek seng-oa̍h. Góa bat chò chit-hāng, góa bô chò hit-hāng. Góa m̄-bat chò chit-lō tāi-chì, m̄-koh góa ū chò pa̍t-hāng tāi-chì.
Koh-lâi neh? Bē-su góa it-ti̍t lóng teh tán chit-ê sî-khek, tán lê-bêng ê tē-it tiâu kng-sòaⁿ thang tit-tio̍h chèng-gī. Bô siáⁿ, bô siáⁿ ū tī-tāi lah, góa chai sī án-chóaⁿ. I mā chai.
Chi̍t-lō͘ lâi, tī góa keng-kòe ê chit-ê hàm-kó͘ ê jîn-seng, it-ti̍t ū chi̍t-chūn im-àm ê hong ǹg góa chhoe, he sī ùi góa bī-lâi ê kin-té, ùi iáu-bōe kàu ê nî-tang; chhoe kàu ê sî, chit-chūn hong kā góa ē-tàng ê soán-te̍k lóng piàn-chò bô chha-pia̍t, bī-lâi ê nî-tang bē pí góa í-óng ê seng-oa̍h koh-khah chin-si̍t. Pa̍t-lâng ê sí a̍h lāu-bú ê ài, tùi góa ū siáⁿ tī-tāi; kì-jiân lán -- iā-tō-sī góa hām hiah-ê chhiūⁿ i án-ne chheng-ho͘ góa hiaⁿ-tī ê chhian-chhian bān-bān hó-ūn ê lâng -- lóng hō͘ kāng chi̍t-ê miā-ūn só͘ an-pâi, i ê Sîn a̍h pa̍t-lâng soán ê seng-oa̍h a̍h in siūⁿ-kóng in soán ê miā-ūn, tùi góa ū siáⁿ tī-tāi ah? I kám khòaⁿ bē-chhut, che i kám khòaⁿ bē-chhut ah?
Ta̍k-lâng lóng hó-ūn. Kan-ta ū hó-ūn ê lâng. Kî-thaⁿ ê lâng chá-bān lóng tio̍h pī phòaⁿ-sí. I mā tio̍h pī phòaⁿ-sí. Án-ne ū siáⁿ tī-tāi ah, jû-kó i in-ūi thâi-lâng pī khí-sò͘, soah in-ūi lāu-bú chhut-soaⁿ bô khàu lâi pī chhú-sí?
Salamano ê káu ê kè-ta̍t bô su in bó͘. Hit-ê sè-hàn ki-khì cha-bó͘ ê chōe-kò bô su Masson chhōa ê hit-ê Paris cha-bó͘, mā bô su kiò góa kap yi kiat-hun ê Marie. Raymond hām Céleste lóng sī góa ê pêng-iú, m̄-koh Céleste ke khah ū kè-ta̍t, án-ne kám ū siáⁿ tī-tāi? Taⁿ Marie kā yi ê chhùi-tûn tu hō͘ chi̍t-ê sin ê Meursault, án-ne kám ū siáⁿ tī-tāi? Án-ne i kám ē liáu-kái, chit-ê pī phòaⁿ-sí ê lâng, ùi góa bī-lâi ê kin-té...
Só͘-ū chiah-ê hoah-siaⁿ hō͘ góa kiông boeh chhoán bô khùi. M̄-koh in í-keng kā sîn-hū ùi góa ê chhiú pak-khui, kéng-ūi teh ui-hia̍p góa. Put-jî-kò, i an-tah kéng-ūi tio̍h léng-chēng, koh tiām-tiām khòaⁿ góa chi̍t-khùn. I ê ba̍k-sái kâm ba̍k-kîⁿ. Lo̍h-bóe i oa̍t-sin, kiâⁿ khui.
I lī-khui liáu, góa koh tit-tio̍h léng-chēng. Góa thiám kah bô khùi-la̍t, tō siàng lo̍h bîn-chhn̂g-pang.
Góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h ū khùn khì, in-ūi chhéⁿ lâi ê sî, bīn-chêng móa-thiⁿ ê chheⁿ. Chng-kha ê siaⁿ-im thoân-ji̍p góa ê hiⁿ-khang. Àm-mê ê khì-bī, thô͘-bī kap kiâm-bī ê khong-khì hō͘ góa thâu-khak chheng-chhéⁿ. Hit-ê joa̍h-thiⁿ àm-mê kî-miāu ê pêng-hô ná-chhiūⁿ chi̍t-chūn hái-éng thàng kòe góa ê sin-khu.
Āu-lâi, tī lê-bêng chêng ê o͘-àm tiong, chúi-lê siaⁿ hiáng-khí. Siaⁿ-siaⁿ lóng teh soan-kò ū-lâng boeh lī-khui khì chi̍t-ê taⁿ kap éng-oán lóng tùi góa bô ì-gī ê sè-kài.
Chin kú í-lâi góa tē-it pái su-liām Mama. Góa kám-kak góa liáu-kái sī án-chóaⁿ tī yi sèⁿ-miā ê bóe-chām yi koh kau chi̍t-ê "bī-hun-hu," sī án-chóaⁿ yi sńg têng-thâu koh-lâi ê iû-hì. Sīm-chì tī hia, tī iáng-ló-īⁿ hit-ê sèⁿ-miā lo̍h-tâi ê só͘-chāi, hông-hun sī chi̍t-chióng ín-lâng iu-siong ê sî-chūn. Hiah chiap-kīn sí-bông, Mama it-tēng kám-kak tit-tio̍h chū-iû, tō chún-pī boeh kā it-chhè têng-thâu koh-lâi.
Bô-lâng, bô-lâng ū khoân-lī ūi yi háu.
Góa mā kám-kak chún-pī hó boeh têng-thâu koh-lâi. Bē-su sái hit-ê sèng-tē í-keng sé-chheng góa ê siâ-ok, siau-tî góa ê hi-bāng; tī hit-ê móa-móa sìn-hō kap thiⁿ-chheⁿ ê àm-mê, góa tē-it pái phah-khui góa ê sim-koaⁿ, chiap-siū sè-kài ê un-jiû léng-tām. He ū-kàu chhin-chhiūⁿ góa ka-tī -- chin ê, ū-kàu chhin-chhiūⁿ hó hiaⁿ-tī -- góa kám-kak kòe-khì góa chin hēng-hok, taⁿ góa mā chin hoaⁿ-hí.
Ūi-tio̍h ta̍k-hāng lóng oân-boán, ūi-tio̍h hō͘ góa khah bē ko͘-toaⁿ, góa kan-ta hi-bāng chhú-koat hit-kang koan-chiòng chē-chē, ta̍k-ê kō͘ siû-hūn ê hoah-siaⁿ kap góa chio-ho͘.
[Soah]
--
11.5 我 mā 欲重頭 koh 來
彼時, 我 mā 毋知是按怎, ká-ná 身軀有啥煏斷去, 我開始大聲 kā 嚷, kā kàn-kiāu koh 叫伊毋免為我討債伊 ê 祈禱. 我㨑著伊 ê 道袍頷領, 吐出一切鬱 tī 心肝 ni̍h ê 話, he 是憤怒 ê 哀聲, mā 是歡喜 ê 哀聲.
伊袂輸逐項 lóng hiah 確定, 敢毋是? M̄-koh, 伊 ê 確定無一項會值得一支查某人 ê 頭毛. 伊甚至無確定家己猶活著, 因為伊 ná 死人 án-ne 活著. Iah 我 neh, 看起來我 ná 像雙手空空, m̄-koh 我對家己, 對逐項 lóng 真確定, 比伊濟濟 koh 較確定, 對我 ê 性命, 對我 tng-teh 等待 ê 死亡 lóng 誠確定.
著, 這是我所有 ê 一切. M̄-koh, 上無 tō ná 我 ê 命運掠著我仝款, 我 mā 掠著我 ê 命運. 自來我 tō 著 ah, 今我 mā 是著 ê, 我一直 lóng 是著 ê. 我 bat kō͘ 一種方式生活, 我 mā 會使 kō͘ 別種方式生活. 我 bat 做這項, 我無做彼項. 我 m̄-bat 做 chit-lō 代誌, m̄-koh 我有做別項代誌.
Koh 來 neh? 袂輸我一直 lóng teh 等這个時刻, 等黎明 ê 第一條光線通得著正義. 無啥, 無啥有底代 lah, 我知是按怎. 伊 mā 知.
一路來, tī 我經過 ê 這个譀古 ê 人生, 一直有一陣陰暗 ê 風 ǹg 我吹, he 是 ùi 我未來 ê 根底, ùi 猶未到 ê 年冬; 吹到 ê 時, 這陣風 kā 我會當 ê 選擇 lóng 變做無差別, 未來 ê 年冬袂比我以往 ê 生活 koh 較真實. 別人 ê 死 a̍h 老母 ê 愛, 對我有啥底代; 既然咱 -- 也 tō 是我和 hiah-ê 像伊 án-ne 稱呼我兄弟 ê 千千萬萬好運 ê 人 -- lóng 予仝一个命運所安排, 伊 ê 神 a̍h 別人選 ê 生活 a̍h in 想講 in 選 ê 命運, 對我有啥底代 ah? 伊敢看袂出, 這伊敢看袂出 ah?
逐人 lóng 好運. 干焦有好運 ê 人. 其他 ê 人早慢 lóng 著被判死. 伊 mā 著被判死. Án-ne 有啥底代 ah, 如果伊因為刣人被起訴, 煞因為老母出山無哭來被處死?
Salamano ê 狗 ê 價值無輸 in 某. 彼个細漢機器查某 ê 罪過無輸 Masson 娶 ê 彼个 Paris 查某, mā 無輸叫我 kap 她結婚 ê Marie. Raymond 和 Céleste lóng 是我 ê 朋友, m̄-koh Céleste 加較有價值, án-ne 敢有啥底代? 今 Marie kā 她 ê 喙唇 tu 予一个新 ê Meursault, án-ne 敢有啥底代? Án-ne 伊敢會了解, 這个被判死 ê 人, ùi 我未來 ê 根底...
所有 chiah-ê 喝聲予我強欲喘無氣. M̄-koh in 已經 kā 神父 ùi 我 ê 手剝開, 警衛 teh 威脅我. 不而過, 伊安搭警衛著冷靜, koh 恬恬看我一睏. 伊 ê 目屎 kâm 目墘. 落尾伊越身, 行開.
伊離開了, 我 koh 得著冷靜. 我忝 kah 無氣力, tō siàng 落眠床枋.
我定著有睏去, 因為醒來 ê 時, 面前滿天 ê 星. 庄跤 ê 聲音傳入我 ê 耳空. 暗暝 ê 氣味, 塗味 kap 鹹味 ê 空氣予我頭殼清醒. 彼个熱天暗暝奇妙 ê 平和 ná 像一陣海湧迵過我 ê 身軀.
後來, tī 黎明前 ê 烏暗中, 水螺聲響起. 聲聲 lóng teh 宣告有人欲離開去一个今 kap 永遠 lóng 對我無意義 ê 世界.
真久以來我第一擺思念 Mama. 我感覺我了解是按怎 tī 她性命 ê 尾站她 koh 交一个 "未婚夫," 是按怎她耍重頭 koh 來 ê 遊戲. 甚至 tī 遐, tī 養老院彼个性命落台 ê 所在, 黃昏是一種引人憂傷 ê 時陣. Hiah 接近死亡, Mama 一定感覺得著自由, tō 準備欲 kā 一切重頭 koh 來.
無人, 無人有權利為她吼.
我 mā 感覺準備好欲重頭 koh 來. 袂輸使彼个性地已經洗清我 ê 邪惡, 消除我 ê 希望; tī 彼个滿滿信號 kap 天星 ê 暗暝, 我第一擺拍開我 ê 心肝, 接受世界 ê 溫柔冷淡. He 有夠親像我家己 -- 真 ê, 有夠親像好兄弟 -- 我感覺過去我真幸福, 今我 mā 真歡喜.
為著逐項 lóng 圓滿, 為著予我較袂孤單, 我干焦希望處決彼工觀眾濟濟, 逐个 kō͘ 仇恨 ê 喝聲 kap 我招呼.
[煞]
--
11.5
Then, I don't know why, but something inside me snapped. I started yelling at the top of my lungs, and I insulted him and told him not to waste his prayers on me. I grabbed him by the collar of his cassock. I was pouring out on him everything that was in my heart, cries of anger and cries of joy. He seemed so certain about everything, didn't he? And yet none of his certainties was worth one hair of a woman's head. He wasn't even sure he was alive, because he was living like a dead man. Whereas it looked as if I was the one who'd come up emptyhanded. But I was sure about me, about everything, surer than he could ever be, sure of my life and sure of the death I had waiting for me. Yes, that was all I had. But at least I had as much of a hold on it as it had on me. I had been right, I was still right, I was always right. I had lived my life one way and I could just as well have lived it another. I had done this and I hadn't done that. I hadn't done this thing but I had done another. And so? It was as if I had waited all this time for this moment and for the first light of this dawn to be vindicated. Nothing, nothing mattered, and I knew why. So did he. Throughout the whole absurd life I'd lived, a dark wind had been rising toward me from somewhere deep in my future, across years that were still to come, and as it passed, this wind leveled whatever was offered to me at the time, in years no more real than the ones I was living. What did other people's deaths or a mother's love matter to me; what did his God or the lives people choose or the fate they think they elect matter to me when we're all elected by the same fate, me and billions of privileged people like him who also called themselves my brothers? Couldn't he see, couldn't he see that? Everybody was privileged. There were only privileged people. The others would all be condemned one day. And he would be condemned, too. What would it matter if he were accused of murder and then executed because he didn't cry at his mother's funeral? Salamano's dog was worth just as much as his wife. The little robot woman was just as guilty as the Parisian woman Masson married, or as Marie, who had wanted me to marry her. What did it matter that Raymond was as much my friend as Celeste, who was worth a lot more than him? What did it matter that Marie now offered her lips to a new Meursault? Couldn't he, couldn't this condemned man see . . . And that from somewhere deep in my future . . . All the shouting had me gasping for air. But they were already tearing the chaplain from my grip and the guards were threatening me. He calmed them, though, and looked at me for a moment without saying anything. His eyes were full of tears. Then he turned and disappeared.
With him gone, I was able to calm down again. I was exhausted and threw myself on my bunk. I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up with the stars in my face. Sounds of the countryside were drifting in. Smells of night, earth, and salt air were cooling my temples. The wondrous peace of that sleeping summer Rowed through me like a tide. Then, in the dark hour before dawn, sirens blasted. They were announcing departures for a world that now and forever meant nothing to me. For the first time in a long time I thought about Maman. I felt as if I understood why at the end of her life she had taken a "fiance," why she had played at beginning again. Even there, in that home where lives were fading out, evening was a kind of wistful respite. So close to death, Maman must have felt free then and ready to live it all again. Nobody, nobody had the right to cry over her. And I felt ready to live it all again too. As if that blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world. Finding it so much like myself--so like a brother, really! felt that I had been happy and that I was happy again. For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I had only to wish that there be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution and that they greet me with cries of hate.
[The End]
--
No comments:
Post a Comment