11.4 伊講, 罪業著家己洗清

11.4 I kóng, chōe-gia̍p tio̍h ka-tī sé-chheng

Hit-sî i khiā khí-lâi, kim-kim khòaⁿ ji̍p góa ê ba̍k-chiu. Chit-chióng pá-hì góa chiâⁿ chheng-chhó. Góa tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ kap Emmanuel hām Céleste án-ne sńg, pah-bīn sī in seng khòaⁿ pa̍t-ūi. Sîn-hū tùi chit-lō pá-hì mā chin se̍k-chhiú, góa chi̍t khòaⁿ tō chai: i ê ba̍k-sîn bô iû-gî. I ê siaⁿ-im mā bô iû-gî, i kóng, "Lí kám lóng bô hi-bāng ah? Lí kám chin-chiàⁿ siūⁿ kóng: lâng nā sí tō sí, siáⁿ lóng bô chhun?"

Góa kóng, "Sī."

Chū án-ne i thâu lê loeh, koh chē lo̍h-lâi. I kā góa kóng i thè góa khó-liân. I jīn-ûi, chit-khoán tāi-chì hō͘ lâng taⁿ bē-khí.

Góa bô kám-kak siáⁿ, kan-ta kám-kak i chiâⁿ hoân. Góa oa̍t-sin kiâⁿ-khui, khiā tī thiⁿ-thang ē-bīn. Góa kā keng-kah-thâu phēng tī piah. Bô chim-chiok thiaⁿ i teh kóng siáⁿ, góa koh thiaⁿ tio̍h i teh mn̄g góa būn-tê. I kóng-ōe ê siaⁿ-im kip koh pek-chhiat. Góa khòaⁿ ē chhut, i sī chin-chiàⁿ sit-chì ah, án-ne góa chiah sió-khóa khah chù-ì kā thiaⁿ.

I piáu-sī kóng i khak-tēng góa ê siōng-sò͘ ē pī chiap-siū, m̄-koh góa sin phāiⁿ chōe-gia̍p, tio̍h ka-tī lâi sé-chheng. Chiàu i ê kóng-hoat, jîn-kan ê chèng-gī bô sǹg siáⁿ, Sîn ê chèng-gī chiah-sī it-chhè. Góa kā thê-khí kóng, sī lâng phòaⁿ góa sí-hêng. I ìn kóng, he án-ne mā bē sé tiāu góa ê chōe-gia̍p. Góa kā i kóng, góa m̄-chai siáⁿ sī chōe-gia̍p. In kan-ta kóng góa hoān-chōe. Góa hoān tio̍h chōe, góa tng-teh ūi he hù-chhut tāi-kè, bē-tàng koh iau-kiû góa siáⁿ-mih ah-lah.

Hit-sî i koh khiā khí-lâi, góa sim ni̍h siūⁿ, tī chiah e̍h ê kaⁿ-pâng i nā siūⁿ boeh kiâⁿ-tāng sī bô siáⁿ khó-lêng. I kan-ta ē-tàng m̄-sī chē lo̍h tō-sī khiā tio̍h.

Góa kim-kim khòaⁿ thô͘-kha. I ǹg góa kiâⁿ chi̍t-pō͘ tō tòng-tiām, bē-su i m̄-káⁿ kiâⁿ koh-khah óa. I gia̍h-thâu khòaⁿ lân-kan gōa ê thiⁿ.

"Lí chhò loh, koai gín-á," i kóng. "Ē-tàng iau-kiû lí koh-khah chē. Hoān-sè mā ē thê-chhut iau-kiû."

"He sī siáⁿ?"

"Iau-kiû lí khòaⁿ."

"Khòaⁿ siáⁿ?"

Sîn-hū sì-kho͘-liàn-tńg khòaⁿ-khòaⁿ leh, kō͘ chi̍t-ê chāi góa siūⁿ sī lán-lán ê siaⁿ-im hôe-tap kóng:

"Chia ê ta̍k-lia̍p chio̍h-thâu lóng chiat-bôa kah chhut-kōaⁿ, góa chai-iáⁿ. Khòaⁿ tio̍h in góa chóng-sī kám-kak kan-khó͘. Góa ê sim-koaⁿ chhim-chhim chai-iáⁿ, lín tiong-kan siōng khó-liân-ê bat ùi chio̍h-thâu ê o͘-iáⁿ ni̍h khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-ê sîn-sèng ê bīn. Iau-kiû lí khòaⁿ ê tō sī hit-ê bīn."

Che hō͘ góa sió-khóa chín-hùn chi̍t-ē. Góa kóng, hiah-ê piah ê chio̍h-thâu góa í-keng khòaⁿ kúi-ā kò goe̍h ah. Góa se̍k-sāi in khah chē kòe se̍k-sāi sè-kài ê jīm-hô mi̍h-kiāⁿ a̍h jīm-hô lâng. Hoān-sè, tī kòe-khì bó͘ chi̍t-ê sî-kan, góa bat tī in tiong-kan chhōe chi̍t-ê bīn. M̄-koh góa teh chhōe ê bīn sī kng-liāng kah ná ji̍t-thâu, ná io̍k-bōng ê hóe-iām -- he sī Marie ê bīn lah. Góa chhian chhōe to chhōe bô. Taⁿ, he lóng kòe-khì ah. Bô-lūn-jû-hô, góa chiông-lâi to m̄-bat khòaⁿ tio̍h lâu-kōaⁿ ê chio̍h-thâu hián-chhut siáⁿ-mih.

Sîn-hū kō͘ chi̍t-ê pi-ai ê piáu-chêng khòaⁿ góa. Chit-sî góa kha-chiah-phiaⁿ thêng-thêng khò tī piah, kng-sòaⁿ chiò tī góa ê hia̍h-thâu téng. I nauh ê ōe góa bô thiaⁿ chheng-chhó, koh hiông-hiông mn̄g kóng, i sī-m̄-sī ē-sái siâm góa. "Bē-sái," góa kóng. I oa̍t-sin kiâⁿ kàu piah piⁿ, bān-bān iōng chhiú khì so piah.

"Lí chèng-keng hiah-nī ài chit-ê sè-kài?" i nauh kóng.

Góa bô ìn.

I, kha-chiah-āu ǹg góa, kú-kú khiā tī hia. I tī hia hō͘ góa gāi-gio̍h koh bē chū-chāi. Góa tú boeh kiò i lī-khui, mài koh chhap góa, hut-jiân i soah oa̍t ǹg góa tōa-siaⁿ kóng:

"M̄, góa m̄ siong-sìn lí! Góa siong-sìn lí tiāⁿ-tio̍h siōng-chió ū chi̍t-kái bat hi-bāng kòe pa̍t-khoán ê seng-oa̍h."

Góa kóng, tong-jiân góa bat án-ne hi-bāng, m̄-koh he bô siáⁿ liáu-put-khí, put-kò sī hi-bāng ū-chîⁿ, hi-bāng siû-chúi khah kín leh, a̍h-sī hi-bāng góa ê chhùi seⁿ-chò khah súi chi̍t-ē. Hiah-ê lóng sī kāng-khoán ê tāi-chì. M̄-koh i chhap-ōe kóng, i siūⁿ boeh chai góa án-chóaⁿ khòaⁿ hit-lō pa̍t-khoán ê seng-oa̍h.

Góa tō tùi i jiáng kóng, "Hō͘ góa ē-kì-tit chit-má ê seng-oa̍h hit-chióng seng-oa̍h lah!" Hit-sî góa kā kóng, góa lún-bē-tiâu ah-lah.

I siūⁿ boeh koh kap góa kóng Sîn, m̄-koh góa kiâⁿ ǹg i, ì-tô͘ siōng bóe-kái koh kā kái-soeh kóng, góa chhun ê sî-kan bô chē ah, góa bô-ài lōng-hùi sî-kan tī Sîn téng-koân.

I ì-tô͘ kái-piàn ōe-tê, tō mn̄g góa sī án-chóaⁿ góa chheng-ho͘ i kiò "sian-siⁿ", m̄ kiò i "sîn-hū." Góa sûi lia̍h-kông, góa kóng i m̄-sī góa ê sîn-hū; i sī pa̍t-lâng ê sîn-hū.

"Góa sī, koai gín-á," i kóng, kā chhiú tah tī góa ê keng-thâu, "góa khiā tī lí chit-pêng. M̄-koh lí siūⁿ bē-kàu, in-ūi lí ê sim chheⁿ-mê. Góa ē ūi lí kî-tó."

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11.4 伊講, 罪業著家己洗清

彼時伊徛起來, 金金看入我 ê 目睭. 這種把戲我誠清楚. 我定定 kap Emmanuel 和 Céleste án-ne 耍, 百面是 in 先看別位. 神父對 chit-lō 把戲 mā 真熟手, 我一看 tō 知: 伊 ê 目神無猶疑. 伊 ê 聲音 mā 無猶疑, 伊講, "你敢 lóng 無希望 ah? 你敢真正想講: 人若死 tō 死, 啥 lóng 無賰?"

我講, "是."

自 án-ne 伊頭犁 loeh, koh 坐落來. 伊 kā 我講伊替我可憐. 伊認為, 這款代誌予人擔袂起.

我無感覺啥, 干焦感覺伊誠煩. 我越身行開, 徛 tī 天窗下面. 我 kā 肩胛頭 phēng tī 壁. 無斟酌聽伊 teh 講啥, 我 koh 聽著伊 teh 問我問題. 伊講話 ê 聲音急 koh 迫切. 我看會出, 伊是真正失志 ah, án-ne 我才小可較注意 kā 聽.

伊表示講伊確定我 ê 上訴會被接受, m̄-koh 我身揹罪業, 著家己來洗清. 照伊 ê 講法, 人間 ê 正義無算啥, 神 ê 正義才是一切. 我 kā 提起講, 是人判我死刑. 伊應講, he án-ne mā 袂洗掉我 ê 罪業. 我 kā 伊講, 我毋知啥是罪業. In 干焦講我犯罪. 我犯著罪, 我 tng-teh 為 he 付出代價, 袂當 koh 要求我啥物 ah-lah.

彼時伊 koh 徛起來, 我心 ni̍h 想, tī chiah 狹 ê 監房伊若想欲 kiâⁿ 動是無啥可能. 伊干焦會當毋是坐落 tō 是徛著.

我金金看塗跤. 伊 ǹg 我行一步 tō 擋恬, 袂輸伊毋敢行 koh 較倚. 伊攑頭看欄杆外 ê 天.

"你錯 loh, 乖囡仔," 伊講. "會當要求你 koh 較濟. 凡勢 mā 會提出要求."

"He 是啥?"

"要求你看."

"看啥?"

神父四箍輾轉看看 leh, kō͘ 一个在我想是懶懶 ê 聲音回答講:

"遮 ê 逐粒石頭 lóng 折磨 kah 出汗, 我知影. 看著 in 我總是感覺艱苦. 我 ê 心肝深深知影, 恁中間上可憐 ê bat ùi 石頭 ê 烏影 ni̍h 看著一个神聖 ê 面. 要求你看 ê tō 是彼个面."

這予我小可振奮一下. 我講, hiah-ê 壁 ê 石頭我已經看幾 ā 個月 ah. 我熟似 in 較濟過熟似世界 ê 任何物件 a̍h 任何人. 凡勢, tī 過去某一个時間, 我 bat tī in 中間揣一个面. M̄-koh 我 teh 揣 ê 面是光亮 kah ná 日頭, ná 慾望 ê 火焰 -- he 是 Marie ê 面 lah. 我千揣 to 揣無. 今, he lóng 過去 ah. 無論如何, 我從來 to m̄-bat 看著流汗 ê 石頭顯出啥物.

神父 kō͘ 一个悲哀 ê 表情看我. 這時我尻脊骿 thêng-thêng 靠 tī 壁, 光線照 tī 我 ê 額頭頂. 伊 nauh ê 話我無聽清楚, koh 雄雄問講, 伊是毋是會使 siâm 我. "袂使," 我講. 伊越身行到壁邊, 慢慢用手去挲壁.

"你正經 hiah-nī 愛這个世界?" 伊 nauh 講.

我無應.

伊, 尻脊後 ǹg 我, 久久徛 tī 遐. 伊 tī 遐予我礙虐 koh 袂自在. 我拄欲叫伊離開, 莫 koh chhap 我, 忽然伊煞越 ǹg 我大聲講:

"毋, 我毋相信你! 我相信你定著上少有一改 bat 希望過別款 ê 生活."

我講, 當然我 bat án-ne 希望, m̄-koh he 無啥了不起, 不過是希望有錢, 希望泅水較緊 leh, a̍h 是希望我 ê 喙生做較媠一下. Hiah-ê lóng 是仝款 ê 代誌. M̄-koh 伊插話講, 伊想欲知我按怎看 hit-lō 別款 ê 生活.

我 tō 對伊嚷講, "予我會記得 chit-má ê 生活彼種生活 lah!" 彼時我 kā 講, 我 lún 袂牢 ah-lah.

伊想欲 koh kap 我講神, m̄-koh 我行 ǹg 伊, 意圖上尾改 koh kā 解說講, 我賰 ê 時間無濟 ah, 我無愛浪費時間 tī 神頂懸.

伊意圖改變話題, tō 問我是按怎我稱呼伊叫 "先生", 毋叫伊 "神父." 我隨掠狂, 我講伊毋是我 ê 神父; 伊是別人 ê 神父.

"我是, 乖囡仔," 伊講, kā 手搭 tī 我 ê 肩頭, "我徛 tī 你這爿. M̄-koh 你想袂到, 因為你 ê 心青盲. 我會為你祈禱."

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11.4

At that he stood up and looked me straight in the eye. It was a game I knew well. I played it a lot with Emmanuel and Celeste and usually they were the ones who looked away. The chaplain knew the game well too, I could tell right away: his gaze never faltered. And his voice didn't falter, either, when he said, "Have you no hope at all? And do you really live with the thought that when you die, you die, and nothing remains?" "Yes," I said.

Then he lowered his head and sat back down. He told me that he pitied me. He thought it was more than a man could bear. I didn't feel anything except that he was beginning to annoy me. Then I turned away and went and stood under the skylight. I leaned my shoulder against the wall. Without really following what he was saying, I heard him start asking me questions again. He was talking in an agitated, urgent voice. I could see that he was genuinely upset, so I listened more closely.

He was expressing his certainty that my appeal would be granted, but I was carrying the burden of a sin from which I had to free myself. According to him, human justice was nothing and divine justice was everything. I pointed out that it was the former that had condemned me. His response was that it hadn't washed away my sin for all that. I told him I didn't know what a sin was. All they had told me was that I was guilty. I was guilty, I was paying for it, and nothing more could be asked of me. At that point he stood up again, and the thought occurred to me that in such a narrow cell, if he wanted to move around he didn't have many options. He could either sit down or stand up.

I was staring at the ground. He took a step toward me and stopped, as if he didn't dare come any closer. He looked at the sky through the bars. "You're wrong, my son," he said. "More could be asked of you. And it may be asked." "And what's that?" "You could be asked to see." "See what?'

The priest gazed around my cell and answered in a voice that sounded very weary to me. "Every stone here sweats with suffering, I know that. I have never looked at them without a feeling of anguish. But deep in my heart I know that the most wretched among you have seen a divine face emerge from their darkness. That is the face you are asked to see."

This perked me up a little. I said I had been looking at the stones in these walls for months. There wasn't anything or anyone in the world I knew better. Maybe at one time, way back, I had searched for a face in them. But the face I was looking for was as bright as the sun and the flame of desire-and it belonged to Marie. I had searched for it in vain. Now it was all over. And in any case, I'd never seen anything emerge from any sweating stones.

The chaplain looked at me with a kind of sadness. I now had my back flat against the wall, and light was streaming over my forehead. He muttered a few words I didn't catch and abruptly asked if he could embrace me. "No," I said. He turned and walked over to the wall and slowly ran his hand over it. "Do you really love this earth as much as all that?" he murmured. I didn't answer.

He stood there with his back to me for quite a long time. His presence was grating and oppressive. I was just about to tell him to go, to leave me alone, when all of a sudden, turning toward me, he burst out, "No, I refuse to believe you! I know that at one time or another you've wished for another life." I said of course I had, but it didn't mean any more than wishing to be rich, to be able to swim faster, or to have a more nicely shaped mouth. It was all the same. But he stopped me and wanted to know how I pictured this other life. Then I shouted at him, "One where I could remember this life!" and that's when I told him I'd had enough. He wanted to talk to me about God again, but I went up to him and made one last attempt to explain to him that I had only a little time left and I didn't want to waste it on God. He tried to change the subject by asking me why I was calling him "monsieur" and not "father." That got me mad, and I told him he wasn't my father; he wasn't even on my side.

"Yes, my son," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder, "I am on your side. But you have no way of knowing it, because your heart is blind. I shall pray for you."

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