11.3 神父 koh 來

11.3 Sîn-hū koh lâi

Hit-sî, hō͘ góa siūⁿ-lâi siūⁿ-khì kám-kak khùn-jiáu ê sī, nā siūⁿ-tio̍h iáu-ū jī-cha̍p nî sèⁿ-miā ê sî, góa ê sim-koaⁿ ê hit-chióng khó-phà ê thiàu-iā. M̄-koh góa tō koh khì siūⁿ jī-cha̍p nî āu, kàu-sî chóng sī mā tú-tio̍h kāng-khoán ê tāi-chì, hit-sî góa ē án-chóaⁿ siūⁿ, kō͘ án-ne kā he ah lo̍h-lâi. In-ūi lán chóng tio̍h sí, m̄-koán tang-sî sí a̍h-sī án-chóaⁿ sí, chin bêng-hián he lóng bô koan-hē. Só͘-pái (khùn-lân ê tāi-chì tō sī m̄-thang m̄-chai lán sī án-chóaⁿ lí-lūn chiah tit-tio̍h chit-ê "só͘-pái"), tō-kóng góa ê siōng-sò͘ pī pok-hôe, góa mā tio̍h chiap-siū lah.

Chū án-ne, mā kan-ta án-ne, góa chiah ū khoân-lī, tō-sī kóng chiah ē-tàng ín-chún ka-tī, khì khó-lī pa̍t-ê ká-siat: góa tit-tio̍h te̍k-sià. Khó-náu ê sī, góa tio̍h siūⁿ hoat-tō͘ léng-chēng, bián-tit hut-jiân kui-sin chhiong-móa jia̍t-hoeh, hiong-kông ê khoài-lo̍k chha̍k-thiàⁿ ba̍k-chiu. Che tio̍h iōng kui-sin ê khùi-la̍t khì an-chēng góa ê sim-koaⁿ, khì pó-chhî lí-sèng. Tùi chit-ê ká-siat góa mā tio̍h thâu-náu léng-chēng, án-ne góa khì kī-choa̍t tē-it ê ká-siat chiah khah ta̍t-tit siong-sìn. Nā sêng-kong khòng-chè ka-tī, góa tō ē tit-tio̍h chi̍t tiám-cheng ê pêng-chēng. Án-ne chóng-sī ū hó bô bái.

Tō sī tī chhiūⁿ chit-khoán ê sî-chūn, koh chi̍t-pái góa kī-choa̍t kìⁿ kaⁿ-ga̍k ê sîn-hū. Góa tú-tú tó lo̍h-lâi, ùi thiⁿ-téng ê kim-sek kong-hui góa chai hông-hun lâi ah. Góa tú-tú hòng-khì góa ê siōng-sò͘, taⁿ góa kám-kak ē-tio̍h pêng-chēng ê hoeh-me̍h tī góa ê choân-sin sûn-khoân. Góa bô su-iàu kìⁿ sîn-hū.

Chin kú í-lâi, taⁿ góa chiah koh siūⁿ tio̍h Marie. Chū-chiông yi bô koh siá-phe lâi, ji̍t-chí lóng lò-lò-tn̂g. Hit-ê hông-hun góa siūⁿ tio̍h che, tō án-ne kā ka-tī kóng, hoān-sè yi í-keng ià-siān chò sí-hêng-hoān ê lú-pêng-iú. Góa mā ū siūⁿ tio̍h, hoān-sè yi lâng kan-khó͘, a̍h-sī sí khì ah. Chit-chióng tāi-chì mā ū khó-lêng. Góa ná ū khó-lêng chai ah? Tî-liáu goán nn̄g-kho͘ lâng, taⁿ koh hun lī-khui, bô pòaⁿ-hāng mi̍h-kiāⁿ hō͘ goán chò-hóe a̍h sīm-chì hō͘ goán siūⁿ-khí tùi-hong. Chóng-kóng, chū án-ne liáu, su-liām Marie tùi góa bô siáⁿ ì-gī. Góa tùi sí khì ê yi bô hèng-chhù. Che tùi góa chin chèng-siông, in-ūi góa chiâⁿ liáu-kái, it-tàn góa sí, pa̍t-lâng mā tō bē-kì-tit góa. In lóng koh kap góa bô siáⁿ khan-liân. Góa mā ē-tàng kā ka-tī kóng, siūⁿ hiah-ê tāi-chì siuⁿ chân-jím.

Tú-tú tī hit-ê sî-chūn, sîn-hū ji̍p-lâi. Khòaⁿ tio̍h i ê sî, góa sió-khóa chhoah chi̍t-tiô. I ū chù-ì tio̍h, tō kiò góa bián tio̍h-kiaⁿ. Góa kā kóng, che m̄-sī i pêng-sî lâi ê sî-kan. I kóng, kan-ta sī hó-ì lâi kā góa thàm chi̍t-ē, hām góa ê siōng-sò͘ bô koan-hē, he i siáⁿ mā m̄-chai. I tī bîn-chhn̂g-pang chē lo̍h-lâi, kiò góa chē tī i ê piⁿ-á. Góa bô án-ne chò. Lóng kāng-khoán, i chóng-sī chhin-chhiat hó-lé.

I tī hia chē chi̍t-khùn, téng pòaⁿ-sin ǹg chêng, chhiú āu-khiau tú tī kha-thâu-u, ná khòaⁿ i ka-tī ê chhiú. I ê chhiú sán-thiu koh kiat-si̍t, hō͘ góa liân-siūⁿ tio̍h nn̄g-chiah bín-chiat ê tōng-bu̍t. I kō͘ chi̍t-ki chhiú bān-bān thui lēng-gōa hit-ki. I tī hia chē leh, án-ne àⁿ-chêng, kú kah góa chi̍t-sî soah bē kì-tit i tī hia.

M̄-koh, hut-jiân i gia̍h-thâu, ti̍t-ti̍t khòaⁿ góa.

"Sī án-chóaⁿ lí kī-choa̍t kìⁿ góa?" i mn̄g.

Góa kóng, góa bô sìn Sîn.

I siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ góa kám ū khak-tēng; góa kóng, góa kám-kak góa bô su-iàu mn̄g ka-tī hit-ê būn-tê: he pēng bô tiōng-iàu.

I tō tò-hiàⁿ khò tī piah, siang-chhiú pêⁿ-pêⁿ tah tī tōa-thúi. Kek kah ká-ná i m̄-sī teh kap góa kóng-ōe, i nauh kóng, ū-sî lán siūⁿ-kóng lán chin khak-tēng, sū-si̍t-siōng lán m̄-sī án-ne. Góa tiām-tiām bô kóng siáⁿ. I khòaⁿ góa, koh mn̄g:

"Lí án-chóaⁿ siūⁿ?"

Góa kóng, he ū khó-lêng. Bô-lūn-jû-hô, góa ū khó-lêng bē-tàng khak-tēng ka-tī só͘ chhù-bī ê sī siáⁿ, m̄-koh góa choa̍t-tùi khak-tēng góa só͘ bô chhù-bī ê. Chiâⁿ tú-hó, i teh kóng ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ góa bô chhù-bī.

I khòaⁿ pa̍t-ūi, bô tín-tāng, mn̄g góa sī-m̄-sī in-ūi ke̍k-tō͘ ê choa̍t-bōng chiah án-ne kóng. Góa kā kái-soeh kóng, góa m̄-sī choa̍t-bōng. Góa kan-ta ē kiaⁿ, che mā-sī chèng-siông ê.

"Án-ne, Sîn ē-tàng pang-chō͘ lí," i kóng. "Góa bat ê ta̍k-ê kap lí kāng-khoán chōng-hóng ê lâng lóng kui ǹg I."

Góa sêng-jīn kóng he sī in ê khoân-lī, he mā piáu-sī in ū hit-lō sî-kan. Iah nā góa neh, góa bô-ài lâng lâi pang-chō͘, góa mā bô sî-kan kō͘ góa bô chhù-bī ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ lâi ín-khí góa ê chhù-bī.

Hit-sî, i hiông-hiông siang-chhiú lāng chi̍t-ē, m̄-koh sûi tō chē hiòng-chêng, kā tō-phâu áu tio̍h ê ūi khiú chhun. Khiú hó-sè liáu, i koh khai-sí kóng, chhin-hò͘-hò͘ kiò góa "pêng-iú ah," kóng, i án-ne kap góa kóng-ōe, m̄-sī in-ūi góa pī phòaⁿ-sí; chāi i khòaⁿ, lán-lâng lóng pī phòaⁿ-sí.

M̄-koh góa phah-tn̄g i ê ōe kóng, he bô sio-kāng, hô-hóng án-ne mā bē-tàng an-ùi tio̍h góa.

"Tong-jiân loh," i tông-ì góa ê kóng-hoat. "M̄-koh, lí nā m̄-sī kin-á-ji̍t sí, tō-sī bîn-á-chài sí, a̍h-sī koh kòe hit-kang. Chū án-ne kāng-khoán ê būn-tê tō koh chhut-hiān. Lí boeh án-chóaⁿ bīn-tùi hit-chióng khó-phà ê khó-giām?"

Góa kóng, góa ē kō͘ góa chit-chūn bīn-tùi ê hong-sek khì bīn-tùi he.

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11.3 神父 koh 來

彼時, 予我想來想去感覺困擾 ê 是, 若想著猶有二十年性命 ê 時, 我 ê 心肝 ê 彼種可怕 ê thiàu-iā. M̄-koh 我 tō koh 去想二十年後, 到時總是 mā 拄著仝款 ê 代誌, 彼時我會按怎想, kō͘ án-ne kā he 壓落來. 因為咱總著死, 毋管 tang 時死 a̍h 是按怎死, 真明顯 he lóng 無關係. 所擺 (困難 ê 代誌 tō 是毋通毋知咱是按怎理論才得著這个 "所擺"), tō 講我 ê 上訴被駁回, 我 mā 著接受 lah.

自 án-ne, mā 干焦 án-ne, 我才有權利, tō 是講才會當允准家己, 去考慮別个假設: 我得著特赦. 可惱 ê 是, 我著想法度冷靜, 免得忽然規身充滿熱血, 兇狂 ê 快樂鑿疼目睭. 這著用規身 ê 氣力去安靜我 ê 心肝, 去保持理性. 對這个假設我 mā 著頭腦冷靜, án-ne 我去拒絕第一个假設才較值得相信. 若成功控制家己, 我 tō 會得著一點鐘 ê 平靜. Án-ne 總是有好無䆀.

Tō 是 tī 像這款 ê 時陣, koh 一擺我拒絕見監獄 ê 神父. 我拄拄倒落來, ùi 天頂 ê 金色光輝我知黃昏來 ah. 我拄拄放棄我 ê 上訴, 今我感覺會著平靜 ê 血脈 tī 我 ê 全身循環. 我無需要見神父.

真久以來, 今我才 koh 想著 Marie. 自從她無 koh 寫批來, 日子 lóng lò-lò 長. 彼个黃昏我想著這, tō án-ne kā 家己講, 凡勢她已經厭僐做死刑犯 ê 女朋友. 我 mā 有想著, 凡勢她人艱苦, a̍h 是死去 ah. 這種代誌 mā 有可能. 我那有可能知 ah? 除了阮兩箍人, 今 koh 分離開, 無半項物件予阮做伙 a̍h 甚至予阮想起對方. 總講, 自 án-ne 了, 思念 Marie 對我無啥意義. 我對死去 ê 她無興趣. Che 對我真正常, 因為我誠了解, 一旦我死, 別人 mā tō 袂記得我. In lóng koh kap 我無啥牽連. 我 mā 會當 kā 家己講, 想 hiah-ê 代誌 siuⁿ 殘忍.

拄拄 tī 彼个時陣, 神父入來. 看著伊 ê 時, 我小可掣一趒. 伊有注意著, tō 叫我免著驚. 我 kā 講, 這毋是伊平時來 ê 時間. 伊講, 干焦是好意來 kā 我探一下, 和我 ê 上訴無關係, he 伊啥 mā 毋知. 伊 tī 眠床枋坐落來, 叫我坐 tī 伊 ê 邊仔. 我無 án-ne 做. Lóng 仝款, 伊總是親切好禮.

伊 tī 遐坐一睏, 頂半身 ǹg 前, 手後曲拄 tī 跤頭趺, ná 看伊家己 ê 手. 伊 ê 手瘦抽 koh 結實, 予我連想著兩隻敏捷 ê 動物. 伊 kō͘ 一支手慢慢推另外彼支. 伊 tī 遐坐 leh, án-ne àⁿ 前, 久 kah 我一時煞袂記得伊 tī 遐.

M̄-koh, 忽然伊攑頭, 直直看我.

"是按怎你拒絕見我?" 伊問.

我講, 我無信神.

伊想欲知影我敢有確定; 我講, 我感覺我無需要問家己彼个問題: he 並無重要.

伊 tō 倒 hiàⁿ 靠 tī 壁, 雙手平平貼 tī 大腿. 激 kah ká-ná 伊毋是 teh kap 我講話, 伊 nauh 講, 有時咱想講咱真確定, 事實上咱毋是 án-ne. 我恬恬無講啥. 伊看我, koh 問:

"你按怎想?"

我講, he 有可能. 無論如何, 我有可能袂當確定家己所趣味 ê 是啥, m̄-koh 我絕對確定我所無趣味 ê. 誠拄好, 伊 teh 講 ê 物件我無趣味.

伊看別位, 無振動, 問我是毋是因為極度 ê 絕望才 án-ne 講. 我 kā 解說講, 我毋是絕望. 我干焦會驚, 這 mā 是正常 ê.

"Án-ne, 神會當幫助你," 伊講. "我 bat ê 逐个 kap 你仝款狀況 ê 人 lóng 歸 ǹg 伊."

我承認講 he 是 in ê 權利, he mā 表示 in 有 hit-lō 時間. Iah 若我 neh, 我無愛人來幫助, 我 mā 無時間 kō͘ 我無趣味 ê 物件來引起我 ê 趣味.

彼時, 伊雄雄雙手弄一下, m̄-koh 隨 tō 坐向前, kā 道袍拗著 ê 位搝伸. 搝好勢了, 伊 koh 開始講, 親戽戽叫我 "朋友 ah," 講, 伊 án-ne kap 我講話, 毋是因為我被判死; 在伊看, 咱人 lóng 被判死.

M̄-koh 我拍斷伊 ê 話講, he 無相仝, 何況 án-ne mā 袂當安慰著我.

"當然 loh," 伊同意我 ê 講法. "M̄-koh, 你若毋是今仔日死, tō 是明仔載死, a̍h 是 koh 過彼工. 自 án-ne 仝款 ê 問題 tō koh 出現. 你欲按怎面對彼種可怕 ê 考驗?"

我講, 我會 kō͘ 我這陣面對 ê 方式去面對 he.

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11.3

At that point, what would disturb my train of thought was the terrifying leap I would feel my heart take at the idea of having twenty more years of life ahead of me. But I simply had to stifle it by imagining what I'd be thinking in twenty years when it would all come down to the same thing anyway. Since we're all going to die, it's obvious that when and how don't matter. Therefore (and the difficult thing was not to lose sight of all the reasoning that went into this "therefore"), I had to accept the rejection of my appeal.

Then and only then would I have the right, so to speak--would I give myself permission, as it were-to consider the alternative hypothesis: I was pardoned. The trouble was that I would somehow have to cool the hot blood that would suddenly surge through my body and sting my eyes with a delirious joy. It would take all my strength to quiet my heart, to be rational. In order to make my resignation to the first hypothesis more plausible, I had to be level-headed about this one as well. If I succeeded, I gained an hour of calm. That was something anyway.

It was at one such moment that I once again refused to see the chaplain. I was lying down, and I could tell from the golden glow in the sky that evening was coming on. I had just denied my appeal and I could feel the steady pulse of my blood circulating inside me. I didn't need to see the chaplain. For the first time in a long time I thought about Marie. The days had been long since she'd stopped writing. That evening I thought about it and told myself that maybe she had gotten tired of being the girlfriend of a condemned man. It also occurred to me that maybe she was sick, or dead. These things happen. How was I to know, since apart from our two bodies, now separated, there wasn't anything to keep us together or even to remind us of each other? Anyway, after that, remembering Marie meant nothing to me. I wasn't interested in her dead. That seemed perfectly normal to me, since I understood very well that people would forget me when I was dead. They wouldn't have anything more to do with me. I wasn't even able to tell myself that it was hard to think those things.

It was at that exact moment that the chaplain carne in. When I saw him I felt a little shudder go through me. He noticed it and told me not to be afraid. I told him that it wasn't his usual time. He replied that it was just a friendly visit and had nothing to do with my appeal, which he knew nothing about. He sat down on my bunk and invited me to sit next to him. I refused. All the same, there was something very gentle about him.

He sat there for a few seconds, leaning forward, with his elbows on his knees, looking at his hands. They were slender and sinewy and they reminded me of two nimble animals. He slowly rubbed one against the other. Then he sat there, leaning forward like that, for so long that for an instant I seemed to forget he was there.

But suddenly he raised his head and looked straight at me. "Why have you refused to see me?" he asked. I said that I didn't believe in God. He wanted to know if I was sure and I said that I didn't see any reason to ask myself that question: it seemed unimportant. He then leaned back . against the wall, hands Bat on his thighs. Almost as if it wasn't me he was talking to, he remarked that sometimes we think we're sure when in fact we're not. I didn't say anything. He looked at me and asked, "What do you think?" I said it was possible. In any case, I may not have been sure about what really did interest me, but I was absolutely sure about what didn't. And it just so happened that what he was talking about didn't interest me.

He looked away and without moving asked me if I wasn't talking that way out of extreme despair. I explained to him that I wasn't desperate. I was just afraid, which was only natural. "Then God can help you," he said. "Every man I have known in your position has turned to Him." I acknowledged that that was their right. It also meant that they must have had the time for it. As for me, I didn't want anybody's help, and I just didn't have the time to interest myself in what didn't interest me.

At that point he threw up his hands in annoyance but then sat forward and smoothed out the folds of his cassock. When he had finished he started in again, addressing me as "my friend." If he was talking to me this way, it wasn't because I was condemned to die; the way he saw it, we were all condemned to die. But I interrupted him by saying that it wasn't the same thing and that besides, it wouldn't be a consolation anyway. "Certainly," he agreed. "But if you don't die today, you'll die tomorrow, or the next day. And then the same question will arise. How will you face that terrifying ordeal?" I said I would face it exactly as I was facing it now.

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