11.2 我 teh 想黎明 kap 我 ê 上訴

11.2 Góa teh siūⁿ lê-bêng kap góa ê siōng-só͘

In-ūi lí nā hó-hó khì siūⁿ, léng-chēng su-khó kui-ê tāi-chì, góa hoat-hiān, tn̄g-thâu-tâi ê būn-tê sī, he oân-choân bô hō͘ lí ki-hōe, choa̍t-tùi bô. Sū-si̍t tō sī, it-tàn koat-tēng tō tiāⁿ-tio̍h ah, hoān-chiá tiāⁿ-tio̍h ài sí. He sī ū-khì-bô-hôe ê tāi-chì, sī chi̍t-ê tēng-khok-khok ê an-pâi, sī chi̍t-ê bêng-khak ê hia̍p-gī, bô hôe-thâu ê gî-būn.

Nā in-ūi siáⁿ-mih te̍k-sû ê ki-iân chām-thâu-to hāi khì, in mā ē koh-chài têng-lâi. Só͘-tì, hō͘ góa khùn-jiáu ê tāi-chì tō sī, hoān-lâng tio̍h hi-bāng tn̄g-thâu-tâi tē-it-kái tio̍h ài chèng-siông. Góa kóng, án-ne ū khoat-tiám. Bó͘ chi̍t-hong-bīn lâi khòaⁿ, góa án-ne kóng bô m̄-tio̍h. M̄-koh tī lēng-gōa hong-bīn, góa put-tek-put sêng-jīn, che tō sī hó cho͘-chit ê pì-koat ê só͘-chāi. Ōaⁿ chi̍t-kù ōe kóng, hoān-lâng put-tek-í tī cheng-sîn-siōng tio̍h kap in ha̍p-chok. Sū-sū sūn-lī tùi i mā ū hó-chhù.

Góa mā tio̍h ài chù-ì, it-ti̍t kàu taⁿ góa tùi hiah-ê tāi-chì ê siūⁿ-hoat lóng sī chhò-gō͘ ê. Ū chin kú ê sî-kan góa siong-sìn -- góa mā m̄-chai ná ē án-ne -- boeh chiūⁿ tn̄g-thâu-tâi tio̍h peh lâu-thui chiūⁿ eng-kè. Góa siūⁿ, he sī in-ūi 1789 nî ê Franse Kek-bēng -- ì-sù tō sī kóng, sī in-ūi lâng án-ne kà góa a̍h-sī hō͘ góa khòaⁿ iú-koan chit-lō ê ta̍k-hāng tāi-chì.

M̄-koh, chi̍t chá-khí góa ē-kì-tit khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-tiuⁿ tô͘ tī pò-chóa siōng, hit-sî tng-teh tâm-lūn chi̍t-ê chhú-koat ê sin-bûn. Si̍t-chè-siōng, hit-tâi ki-khì sī khǹg tī thô͘-kha, kán-tan koh liāu-siáu kah, pí góa siūⁿ ê koh-khah e̍h. Chiâⁿ chhù-bī, í-chêng góa bô chù-ì tio̍h che. Hit-tiuⁿ tô͘ hō͘ góa chin chhim ê ìn-siōng, in-ūi he tn̄g-thâu-tâi khòaⁿ tio̍h ná-chhiūⁿ cheng-bi̍t ê gî-khì, oân-chéng koh kim sih-sih.

Lán chóng-sī tùi bô liáu-kái ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ sán-seng khoa-tōa ê kài-liām. Khòaⁿ tio̍h chiah chai, che kap góa siūⁿ ê tian-tò-péng, ta̍k-hāng lóng chiok tan-sûn: tn̄g-thâu-tâi hām boeh chiūⁿ tn̄g-thâu-tâi ê lâng lóng khiā tī pêⁿ-tē. I kiâⁿ ǹg tn̄g-thâu-tâi tō ná-chhiūⁿ i kiâⁿ ǹg lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê lâng kāng-khoán. He mā chiâⁿ bô-liâu. Peh-chiūⁿ eng-kè, kiâⁿ hiòng thiⁿ-téng, án-ne khah ha̍h lán ê sióng-siōng. Kàu chia koh chi̍t-kái, ki-khì húi-bia̍t it-chhè: lí án-ne hō͘ lâng kín-sīn chām-thâu, sió-khóa bô bīn-chú, khiok-sī hui-siông cheng-bi̍t.

Iáu ū nn̄g-hāng tāi-chì góa chhiâng-chāi teh siūⁿ: lê-bêng kap góa ê siōng-sò͘. Kî-si̍t, góa chóng-sī kap ka-tī lí-lūn, kóng mài koh khì siūⁿ he ah-lah. Góa ē tó leh, khòaⁿ thiⁿ-téng, pek ka-tī chhōe khòaⁿ hia ū siáⁿ chhù-bī ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Thiⁿ nā hoán chheⁿ-hóaⁿ-sek, he tō sī boeh-àm ah. Góa tō phah-piàⁿ kái-piàn góa ê su-sióng. Góa tō thiaⁿ góa ê sim thiàu. Góa bô hoat-tō͘ khì siūⁿ, chit-ê tòe góa hiah kú ê siaⁿ ū chi̍t-ji̍t ē tiāⁿ khì. Si̍t-chāi kóng, góa ê sióng-siōng-le̍k bô kài hó. M̄-koh, góa iáu-sī chīn-liōng khì siūⁿ hit-ê sî-khek, iā-tō-sī góa ê thâu-khak bô koh kám-kak tio̍h góa ê sim-thiàu hit-sî ê chêng-kéng. M̄-koh che mā bô-hāu. Lê-bêng a̍h góa ê siōng-sò͘ mā lóng iáu tī hia. Góa tō kā ka-tī kóng, thong ha̍p-lí ê tāi-chì tō-sī mài bián-kióng góa ka-tī.

In chóng-sī tī lê-bêng lâi, che góa chai. Chū án-ne, góa iā-iā lóng teh tán lê-bêng. Góa bô ài ū ì-gōa. Nā ū tāi-chì ē hoat-seng, góa boeh chāi-tiûⁿ. In-ūi án-ne, kiat-kio̍k góa kan-ta tī ji̍t-sî sió khùn leh, iah kui àm-mê góa tō nāi-sim tán thiⁿ-thang hiàn-chhut tē-it tiâu thiⁿ-téng ê kng-sòaⁿ. Thong kan-khó͘ ê sī hit-tōaⁿ bô-khak-tēng ê sî-chūn, iā-tō-sī in khai-sí tōng-chok ê sî-chūn. Pòaⁿ-mê chi̍t-ē kàu, góa tō tiām-tiām tán, kim-kim khòaⁿ. Góa ê hīⁿ-á m̄-bat thiaⁿ kah hiah-nī lāi, hiah-nī chin. M̄-koh, ū chi̍t-chân hó-sū góa ē-sái kóng, tī bó͘ hong-bīn lâi khòaⁿ mā sī chiâⁿ hó-ūn, in-ūi góa lóng bô thiaⁿ-tio̍h kha-pō͘ siaⁿ.

Mama bat án-ne kóng, lán-lâng chóng-sī ē-tàng chhōe-tio̍h ta̍t-tit hoaⁿ-hí ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Tī kaⁿ-ga̍k ni̍h, tán thiⁿ-sek choán âng, sin-ê chi̍t-kang chìn-ji̍p góa ê kaⁿ-pâng ê sî, góa hoat-hiān Mama kóng ê ōe chiâⁿ tio̍h. In-ūi góa goân-pún mā ū khó-lêng ē thiaⁿ-tio̍h kha-pō͘ siaⁿ, góa ê sim tō ū khó-lêng ē po̍k-chah. Sui-jiân kóng, nā ū siáⁿ sió-sió ê tōng-chēng, góa sûi tō chông kàu mn̂g hia, kā hīⁿ-á tah tī mn̂g-pang, tō chheⁿ-kông it-ti̍t tán, kan-ta thiaⁿ-tio̍h ka-tī ê chhoán-khùi siaⁿ hī-hū kiò, ín góa chheⁿ-kiaⁿ, he bē-su káu teh chhoán. Taⁿ, chóng-sī góa ê sim bē po̍k-chah ah, góa koh thàn tio̍h jī-cha̍p-sì tiám-cheng ah-lah.

Kui-kang kú, góa tō siūⁿ góa ê siōng-sò͘. Góa siūⁿ, góa ū chīn-liōng kā siūⁿ thàu-thàu. Góa kó͘-kè góa ê to͘-ha̍p, koh ùi góa ê su-khó khì tit-tio̍h siōng-tōa ê hó-chhù. Góa chóng-sī ùi siōng-bái ê tiám khai-sí siūⁿ: siōng-sò͘ sit-pāi.

"Hmh, án-ne góa tio̍h sí."

Chin bêng-hián, pí pa̍t-lâng lóng khah chá sí. M̄-koh, ta̍k-lâng lóng chai, sèⁿ-miā bô siáⁿ ta̍t-tit oa̍h. Kin-pún-tek góa oân-choân chai-iáⁿ, m̄-koán lí sī saⁿ-cha̍p hòe sí a̍h-sī chhit-cha̍p hòe sí, he sī bô-siáⁿ chha-pia̍t, in-ūi bô-lūn jû-hô, kî-thaⁿ ê lâm-lâm lú-lú lóng kè-sio̍k koh oa̍h-loeh -- kúi-ā chheng nî. Sū-si̍t-siōng, che ū-kàu chheng-chhó ê. M̄-koán sī taⁿ a̍h-sī jī-cha̍p nî āu, góa chóng-sī tio̍h sí.

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11.2 我 teh 想黎明 kap 我 ê 上訴

因為你若好好去想, 冷靜思考規个代誌, 我發現, 斷頭台 ê 問題是, he 完全無予你機會, 絕對無. 事實 tō 是, 一旦決定 tō 定著 ah, 患者定著愛死. He 是有去無回 ê 代誌, 是一个 tēng-khok-khok ê 安排, 是一个明確 ê 協議, 無回頭 ê 疑問.

若因為啥物特殊 ê 機緣鏨頭刀害去, in mā 會 koh 再重來. 所致, 予我困擾 ê 代誌 tō 是, 犯人著希望斷頭台第一改著愛正常. 我講, án-ne 有缺點. 某一方面來看, 我 án-ne 講無毋著. M̄-koh tī 另外方面, 我不得不承認, che tō 是好組織 ê 祕訣 ê 所在. 換一句話講, 犯人不得已 tī 精神上著 kap in 合作. 事事順利對伊 mā 有好處.

我 mā 著愛注意, 一直到今我對 hiah-ê 代誌 ê 想法 lóng 是錯誤 ê. 有真久 ê 時間我相信 -- 我 mā 毋知那會 án-ne -- 欲上斷頭台著 peh 樓梯上鷹架. 我想, he 是因為 1789 年 ê Franse 革命 -- 意思 tō 是講, 是因為人 án-ne 教我 a̍h 是予我看有關 chit-lō ê 逐項代誌.

M̄-koh, 一早起我會記得看著一張圖 tī 報紙上, 彼時 tng-teh 談論一个處決 ê 新聞. 實際上, 彼台機器是囥 tī 塗跤, 簡單 koh 料小 kah, 比我想 ê koh 較 e̍h. 誠趣味, 以前我無注意著這. 彼張圖予我真深 ê 印象, 因為 he 斷頭台看著 ná 像精密 ê 儀器, 完整 koh 金 sih-sih.

咱總是對無了解 ê 物件產生誇大 ê 概念. 看著才知, che kap 我想 ê 顛倒 péng, 逐項 lóng 足單純: 斷頭台和欲上斷頭台 ê 人 lóng 徛 tī 平地. 伊行 ǹg 斷頭台 tō ná 像伊行 ǹg 另外一个人仝款. He mā 誠無聊. Peh 上鷹架, 行向天頂, án-ne 較合咱 ê 想像. 到遮 koh 一改, 機器毀滅一切: 你 án-ne 予人謹慎鏨頭, 小可無面子, 卻是非常精密.

猶有兩項代誌我常在 teh 想: 黎明 kap 我 ê 上訴. 其實, 我總是 kap 家己理論, 講莫 koh 去想 he ah-lah. 我會倒 leh, 看天頂, 迫家己揣看遐有啥趣味 ê 物件. 天若反青幻色, he tō 是欲暗 ah. 我 tō 拍拚改變我 ê 思想. 我 tō 聽我 ê 心跳. 我無法度去想, 這个綴我 hiah 久 ê 聲有一日會定去. 實在講, 我 ê 想像力無蓋好. M̄-koh, 我猶是盡量去想彼个時刻, 也 tō 是我 ê 頭殼無 koh 感覺著我 ê 心跳彼時 ê 情境. M̄-koh 這 mā 無效. 黎明 a̍h 我 ê 上訴 mā lóng 猶 tī 遐. 我 tō kā 家己講, 通合理 ê 代誌 tō 是莫勉強我家己.

In 總是 tī 黎明來, che 我知. 自 án-ne, 我夜夜 lóng teh 等黎明. 我無愛有意外. 若有代誌會發生, 我欲在場. 因為 án-ne, 結局我干焦 tī 日時小睏 leh, iah 規暗暝我 tō 耐心等天窗現出第一條天頂 ê 光線. 通艱苦 ê 是彼段無確定 ê 時陣, 也 tō 是 in 開始動作 ê 時陣. 半暝一下到, 我 tō 恬恬等, 金金看. 我 ê 耳仔 m̄-bat 聽 kah hiah-nī 利, hiah-nī 真. M̄-koh, 有一層好事我會使講, tī 某方面來看 mā 是誠好運, 因為我 lóng 無聽著跤步聲.

Mama bat án-ne 講, 咱人總是會當揣著值得歡喜 ê 物件. Tī 監獄 ni̍h, 等天色轉紅, 新 ê 一工進入我 ê 監房 ê 時, 我發現 Mama 講 ê 話誠著. 因為我原本 mā 有可能會聽著跤步聲, 我 ê 心 tō 有可能會爆炸. 雖然講, 若有啥小小 ê 動靜, 我隨 tō 傱到門遐, kā 耳仔貼 tī 門枋, tō 生狂一直等, 干焦聽著家己 ê 喘氣聲 hī-hū 叫, 引我生驚, he 袂輸狗 teh 喘. 今, 總是我 ê 心袂爆炸 ah, 我 koh 趁著二十四點鐘 ah-lah.

規工久, 我 tō 想我 ê 上訴. 我想, 我有盡量 kā 想透透. 我估計我 ê 都合, koh ùi 我 ê 思考去得著上大 ê 好處. 我總是 ùi 上䆀 ê 點開始想: 上訴失敗.

"Hmh, án-ne 我著死."

真明顯, 比別人 lóng 較早死. M̄-koh, 逐人 lóng 知, 性命無啥值得活. 根本的我完全知影, 毋管你是三十歲死 a̍h 是七十歲死, he 是無啥差別, 因為無論如何, 其他 ê 男男女女 lóng 繼續 koh 活 loeh -- 幾 ā 千年. 事實上, 這有夠清楚 ê. 毋管是今 a̍h 是二十年後, 我總是著死.

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11.2

For by giving it some hard thought, by considering the whole thing calmly, I could see that the trouble with the guillotine was that you had no chance at all, absolutely none. The fact was that it had been decided once and for all that the patient was to die. It was an open-and-shut case, a fixed arrangement, a tacit agreement that there was no question of going back on. If by some extraordinary chance the blade failed, they would just start over. So the thing that bothered me most was that the condemned man had to hope the machine would work the first time. And I say that's wrong. And in a way I was right. But in another way I was forced to admit that that was the whole secret of good organization. In other words, the condemned man was forced into a kind of moral collaboration. It was in his interest that everything go off without a hitch.

I was also made to see that until that moment I'd had mistaken ideas about these things. For a long time I believed-and I don't know why-that to get to the guillotine you had to climb stairs onto a scaffold. I think it was because of the French Revolution-! mean, because of everything I'd been taught or shown about it. But one morning I remembered seeing a photograph that appeared in the papers at the time of a much-talked-about execution. In reality, the machine was set up right on the ground, as simple as you please. It was much narrower than I'd thought. It was funny I'd never noticed that before. I'd been struck by this picture because the guillotine looked like such a precision instrument, perfect and gleaming. You always get exaggerated notions of things you don't know anything about. I was made to see that contrary to what I thought, everything was very simple: the guillotine is on the same level as the man approaching it. He walks up to it the way you walk up to another person. That bothered me too. Mounting the scaffold, going right up into the sky, was something the imagination could hold on to. Whereas, once again, the machine destroyed everything: you were killed discreetly, with a little shame and with great precision.

There were two other things I was always thinking about: the dawn and my appeal. I would reason with myself, though, and try not to think about them anymore. I would stretch out, look at the sky, and force myself to find something interesting about it. It would turn green: that was evening. I would make another effort to divert my thoughts. I would listen to my heart-beat. I couldn't imagine that this sound which had been with me for so long could ever stop. I've never really had much of an imagination. But still I would try to picture the exact moment when the beating of my heart would no longer be going on inside my head. But it was no use. The dawn or my appeal would still be there. I would end up telling myself that the most rational thing was not to hold myself back.

They always came at dawn, I knew that. And so I spent my nights waiting for that dawn. I've never liked being surprised. If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there. That's why I ended up sleeping only a little bit during the day and then, all night long, waited patiently for the first light to show on the pane of sky. The hardest time was that uncertain hour when I knew they usually set to work. After midnight, I would wait and watch. My ears had never heard so many noises or picked up such small sounds. One thing I can say, though, is that in a certain way I was lucky that whole time, since I never heard footsteps. Maman used to say that you can always find something to be happy about. In my prison, when the sky turned red and a new day slipped into my cell, I found out that she was right. Because I might just as easily have heard footsteps and my heart could have burst. Even though I would rush to the door at the slightest shuffie, even though, with my ear pressed to the wood, I would wait frantically until I heard the sound of my own breathing, terrified to find it so hoarse, like a dog's panting, my heart would not burst after all, and I would have gained another twenty-four hours.

All day long there was the thought of my appeal. I think I got everything out of it that I could. I would assess my holdings and get the maximum return on my thoughts. I would always begin by assuming the worst: my appeal was denied. "Well, so I'm going to die." Sooner than other people will, obviously. But everybody knows life isn't worth living. Deep down I knew perfectly well that it doesn't much matter whether you die at thirty or at seventy, since in either case other men and women will naturally go on living-and for thousands of years. In fact, nothing could be clearer. Whether it was now or twenty years from now, I would still be the one dying.

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