7.2 Thui-sū kō͘ si̍p-jī-kè tī góa bīn-chêng hàiⁿ
I lī-khui khì ah, bīn-chhiuⁿ pháiⁿ-khòaⁿ. Góa tān-goān kiò i lâu lo̍h-lâi, kā i kái-soeh kóng, lán ē-sái ha̍p-chok, m̄-sī ūi-tio̍h i thè góa chò khah hó ê piān-hō͘, nā chiàu góa ê ì-sù kóng, sī ūi-tio̍h khah ha̍h pún-sèng ê piān-hō͘. Chú-iàu sī, góa chai, góa hō͘ i bē-sóng. I bô liáu-kái góa, soah ká-ná hām góa teh oan. Góa kám-kak, góa tio̍h kín-kín hō͘ i siong-sìn, góa kap pa̍t-lâng kāng-khoán, kap jīm-hô lâng lóng kāng-khoán. M̄-koh, che si̍t-chāi mā bô siáⁿ ì-gī, in-ūi lán-si, góa tō pàng-tiāu chit-ê siūⁿ-hoat.
Án-ne liáu kòe bô kú, góa koh hông chhōa khì ī-sím thui-sū bīn-chêng. Sî-kan sī ē-po͘ nn̄g-tiám, hit-sî i ê pān-kong-sek ji̍t-kng chin iām, sui-bóng ū jia po̍h-po̍h ê thang-á-lî. Lāi-té chin joa̍h.
I kiò góa chē lo̍h-lâi, koh chin hó-lé kă kóng, "mā m̄-chai siáⁿ iân-kò͘" góa ê lu̍t-su bē-tàng lâi. M̄-koh, góa ū khoân-lī pó-chhî tiām-tiām, tán-thāi lu̍t-su ê ì-kiàn.
Góa kóng, góa ē-sái ka-tī hôe-tap. I chhi̍h toh-téng ê botán. Chi̍t-ê siàu-liân su-kì tō ji̍p lâi, chē tī góa ê āu-bīn.
Goán nn̄g-ê chē sù-sī hó, mn̄g-ōe tō khai-sí ah. I thâu-khí-seng kóng, ū-lâng kóng góa sī chi̍t-ê bô-ōe, pì-sù ê lâng, i boeh chai góa ka-tī án-chóaⁿ siūⁿ. Góa ìn kóng:
"He sī in-ūi góa bô siáⁿ thang kóng, góa chiah ē bô ài kóng-ōe."
I ná-chhiūⁿ thâu-khí-seng án-ne chhiò-chhiò, tông-ì che sī siōng-hó ê lí-iû, chiap loeh kóng, "Koh kóng, che mā bô siáⁿ iàu-kín."
Koh-lâi, i tiām-tiām khòaⁿ góa bô kóng siáⁿ, koh hut-jiân àⁿ hiòng góa, kín-chhùi kóng:
"Lí hō͘ góa kám-kak chiâⁿ chhù-bī."
Góa m̄-chai i án-ne kóng sī siáⁿ ì-sù, tō bô hoán-èng.
"Ū chi̍t-nn̄g hāng tāi-chì," i koh kóng, "góa bô chin bêng-pe̍k. Góa siong-sìn lí ē-tàng pang góa lí-kái."
Góa kóng, che chin kán-tan. I iau-kiû góa kā hit-kang ê tāi-chì koh kóng chi̍t-piàn. Góa kā góa í-keng kóng-kòe ê koh kóng chi̍t-piàn: Raymond, hái-than, siû-chúi, ji̍t-thâu, kap kō͘ té-chhèng tōaⁿ gō͘-ē. Góa kóng ê múi chi̍t-kù liáu, i tō kóng, "Sī, sī." Góa kóng kàu tó tio̍h ê sí-thé ê sî, i tìm-thâu kóng, "Chin hó." M̄-koh, it-chài kóng kāng-khoán ê tāi-chì, góa kám-kak chiâⁿ thiám. Góa siūⁿ, góa chi̍t-sì-lâng m̄-bat kóng hiah chē ōe.
Té-té chi̍t-khùn ê tiām-chēng liáu, i khiā khí-lâi, kā góa kóng i boeh pang-chō͘ góa, góa hō͘ i kám-kak chiâⁿ chhù-bī, tī Sîn ê pang-chō͘ hā, i ē thè góa chò tām-po̍h tāi-chì. M̄-koh i tio̍h koh mn̄g góa kúi-ê-á būn-tê.
Bô-tiuⁿ bô-tî, i soah mn̄g góa kóng, góa kám ài Mama.
Góa kóng, "Ài, kap ta̍k-lâng lóng kāng-khoán," iah hit-ê su-kì, goân-pún phah-jī chin ún-tēng, it-tēng sī chhi̍h têng-tâⁿ khì, in-ūi i soah tio̍h kā ūn-chóa-chō lu tò-thè koh têng phah.
Iū-koh chi̍t-kái, thui-sū bô-thâu bô-bóe mn̄g góa sī-m̄-sī liân-sòa phah gō͘-chhèng.
Góa siūⁿ chi̍t-ē, tō kā kái-soeh kóng, thâu-khí-seng góa phah chi̍t-chhèng, kòe kúi-bió liáu-āu, chiah phah lēng-gōa ê sì chhèng.
I tō kóng, "Sī án-chóaⁿ lí tī tē-it kái kap tē-jī kái khui-chhèng tiong-kan hioh chi̍t-ē?"
Koh chi̍t-kái, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h âng soa koh kám-kak tio̍h hia̍h-thâu téng sio thǹg-thǹg ê ji̍t-thâu. M̄-koh chit-kái góa bô kā ìn.
Sòa-loeh ê tiām-chēng, thui-sū ká-ná teh bô-nāi-hoân. I chē lo̍h-lâi, kō͘ chéng-thâu-á khì póe thâu-chang, kā chhiú-khiau khòe tī toh-á téng, sió-khóa àⁿ-sin ǹg góa, bīn-sek koài-koài.
"Sī án-chóaⁿ, lí ná ē ǹg tó tī thô͘-kha ê sí-thé phah-chhèng?"
Koh chi̍t-kái, góa m̄-chai boeh án-chóaⁿ kā ìn.
Thui-sū siang-chhiú hôe hia̍h-thâu chi̍t-ē, kō͘ chi̍t-ê sió-khóa bô kāng ê kháu-khì kā būn-tê koh kóng chi̍t-piàn.
"Sī án-chóaⁿ? Lí it-tēng tio̍h kā góa kóng. Sī án-chóaⁿ?" Kāng-khoán, góa siáⁿ to bô kóng.
Hut-jiân, i khiā khí-lâi, tōa-pō͘ kiâⁿ kàu pān-kong-sek ê hn̄g kak, ùi tóng-àn-kūi khui chi̍t-ê thoah-á. I the̍h-chhut chi̍t-ê gîn-chit ê Iâ-so͘ siū-lān ê si̍p-jī-kè, ná hàiⁿ ná kiâⁿ ǹg góa. Kō͘ chi̍t-ê oân-choân bô-kāng, chha-put-to sī phòa-lia̍t ê siaⁿ-tiāu, i hoah kóng:
"Lí chai che sī siáⁿ bô?"
Góa kóng, "Chai, góa tong-jiân chai."
Kháu-khì kín-khoài, jia̍t-lia̍t, i kā góa kóng, i sìn Sîn, bô hit-lō Sîn bē jiâu-sià ê chōe-kò, m̄-koh, nā boeh tit-tio̍h jiâu-sià, lán tio̍h hoán-hóe, lán tō ē chhiūⁿ chi̍t-ê gín-á án-ne phah-khui sim-koaⁿ, chiap-la̍p it-chhè. I kui-sin-khu àⁿ tī toh-á téng. I chha-put-to sī kā he si̍p-jī-kè tī góa ê thâu-khak téng hàiⁿ.
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7.2 推事 kō͘ 十字架 tī 我面前幌
伊離開去 ah, 面腔歹看. 我但願叫伊留落來, kā 伊解說講, 咱會使合作, m̄-sī 為著伊替我做較好 ê 辯護, 若照我 ê 意思講, 是為著較 ha̍h 本性 ê 辯護. 主要是, 我知, 我予伊袂爽. 伊無了解我, 煞 ká-ná 和我 teh 冤. 我感覺, 我著緊緊予伊相信, 我 kap 別人仝款, kap 任何人 lóng 仝款. M̄-koh, che 實在 mā 無啥意義, 因為懶屍, 我 tō 放掉這个想法.
Án-ne 了過無久, 我 koh hông chhōa 去預審推事面前. 時間是下晡兩點, 彼時伊 ê 辦公室日光真 iām, 雖罔有 jia 薄薄 ê 窗仔簾. 內底真熱.
伊叫我坐落來, koh 真好禮 kă 講, "mā 毋知啥緣故" 我 ê 律師袂當來. M̄-koh, 我有權利保持恬恬, 等待律師 ê 意見.
我講, 我會使家己回答. 伊揤桌頂 ê botán. 一个少年書記 tō 入來, 坐 tī 我 ê 後面.
阮兩个坐四序好, 問話 tō 開始 ah. 伊頭起先講, 有人講我是一个無話, 閉思 ê 人, 伊欲知我家己按怎想. 我應講:
"He 是因為我無啥通講, 我才會無愛講話."
伊 ná 像頭起先 án-ne 笑笑, 同意 che 是上好 ê 理由, 接 loeh 講, "Koh 講, che mā 無啥要緊."
Koh 來, 伊恬恬看我無講啥, koh 忽然 àⁿ 向我, 緊喙講:
"你予我感覺誠趣味."
我毋知伊 án-ne 講是啥意思, tō 無反應.
"有一兩項代誌," 伊 koh 講, "我無真明白. 我相信你會當幫我理解."
我講, che 真簡單. 伊要求我 kā 彼工 ê 代誌 koh 講一遍. 我 kā 我已經講過 ê koh 講一遍: Raymond, 海灘, 泅水, 日頭, kap kō͘ 短銃彈五下. 我講 ê 每一句了, 伊 tō 講, "是, 是." 我講到倒著 ê 死體 ê 時, 伊 tìm 頭講, "真好." M̄-koh, 一再講仝款 ê 代誌, 我感覺誠忝. 我想, 我一世人 m̄-bat 講 hiah 濟話.
短短一睏 ê 恬靜了, 伊徛起來, kā 我講伊欲幫助我, 我予伊感覺誠趣味, tī 神 ê 幫助下, 伊會替我做淡薄代誌. M̄-koh 伊著 koh 問我幾个仔問題.
無張無持, 伊煞問我講, 我敢愛 Mama.
我講, "愛, kap 逐人 lóng 仝款," iah 彼个書記, 原本拍字真穩定, 一定是揤重耽去, 因為伊煞著 kā 運紙座攄倒退 koh 重拍.
又 koh 一改, 推事無頭無尾問我是毋是連紲拍五銃.
我想一下, tō kā 解說講, 頭起先我拍一銃, 過幾秒了後, 才拍另外 ê 四銃.
伊 tō 講, "是按怎你 tī 第一改 kap 第二改開銃中間歇一下?"
Koh 一改, 我看著紅沙 koh 感覺 tio̍h 額頭頂燒燙燙 ê 日頭. M̄-koh 這改我無 kā 應.
紲 loeh ê 恬靜, 推事 ká-ná teh 無耐煩. 伊坐落來, kō͘ 指頭仔去 póe 頭鬃, kā 手曲 khòe tī 桌仔頂, 小可 àⁿ 身 ǹg 我, 面色怪怪.
"是按怎, 你那會 ǹg 倒 tī 塗跤 ê 死體拍銃?"
Koh 一改, 我毋知欲按怎 kā 應.
推事雙手回額頭一下, kō͘ 一个小可無仝 ê 口氣 kā 問題 koh 講一遍.
"是按怎? 你一定著 kā 我講. 是按怎?" 仝款, 我啥 to 無講.
忽然, 伊徛起來, 大步行到辦公室 ê 遠角, ùi 檔案櫃開一个屜仔. 伊提出一个銀質 ê 耶穌受難 ê 十字架, ná 幌 ná 行 ǹg 我. Kō͘ 一个完全無仝, 差不多是破裂 ê 聲調, 伊喝講:
"你知 che 是啥無?"
我講, "知, 我當然知."
口氣緊快, 熱烈, 伊 kā 我講, 伊信神, 無 hit-lō 神袂饒赦 ê 罪過, m̄-koh, 若欲得著饒赦, 咱著反悔, 咱 tō 會像一个囡仔 án-ne 拍開心肝, 接納一切. 伊規身軀 àⁿ tī 桌仔頂. 伊差不多是 kā he 十字架 tī 我 ê 頭殼頂幌.
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7.2
He left, looking angry. I wished I could have made him stay, to explain that I wanted things between us to be good, not so that he'd defend me better but, if I can put it this way, good in a natural way. Mostly, I could tell, I made him feel uncomfortable. He didn't understand me, and he was sort of holding it against me. I felt the urge to reassure him that I was like everybody else, just like everybody else. But really there wasn't much point, and I gave up the idea out of laziness.
Shortly after that, I was taken before the examining magistrate again. It was two o'clock in the afternoon, and this time his office was filled with sunlight barely softened by a flimsy curtain. It was very hot. He had me sit down and very politely informed me that, "due to unforeseen circumstances," my lawyer had been unable to come. But I had the right to remain silent and to wait for my lawyer's counsel. I said that I could answer for myself. He pressed a button on the table. A young clerk came in and sat down right behind me.
The two of us leaned back in our chairs. The examination began. He started out by saying that people were describing me as a taciturn and withdrawn person and he wanted to know what I thought. I answered, "It's just that I don't have much to say. So I keep quiet." He smiled the way he had the first time, agreed that that was the best reason of all, and added, "Besides, it's not important." Then he looked at me without saying anything, leaned forward rather abruptly, and said very quickly, "What interests me is you." I didn't really understand what he meant by that, so I didn't respond. "There are one or two things," he added, "that I don't quite understand. I'm sure you'll help me clear them up." I said it was all pretty simple. He pressed me to go back over that day. I went back over what I had already told him : Raymond, the beach, the swim, the quarrel, then back to the beach, the little spring, the sun, and the five shots from the revolver. After each sentence he would say, "Fine, fine." When I got to the body lying there, he nodded and said, "Good." But I was tired of repeating the same story over and over. It seemed as if I had never talked so much in my life.
After a short silence, he stood up and told me that he wanted to help me, that I interested him, and that, with God's help, he would do something for me. But first he wanted to ask me a few more questions. Without working up to it, he asked if I loved Maman. I said, "Yes, the same as anyone," and the clerk, who up to then had been typing steadily, must have hit the wrong key, because he lost his place and had to go back. Again without any apparent logic, the magistrate then asked if I had fired all five shots at once. I thought for a minute and explained that at first I had fired a single shot and then, a few seconds later, the other four. Then he said, "Why did you pause between the first and second shot?" Once again I could see the red sand and feel the burning of the sun on my forehead. But this time I didn't answer. In the silence that followed, the magistrate seemed to be getting fidgety. He sat down, ran his fingers through his hair, put his elbows on his desk, and leaned toward me slightly with a strange look on his face. "Why, why did you shoot at a body that was on the ground?" Once again I didn't know how to answer. The magistrate ran his hands across his forehead and repeated his question with a slightly different tone in his voice. "Why? You must tell me. Why?" Still I didn't say anything.
Suddenly he stood up, strode over to a far corner of his office, and pulled out a drawer in a file cabinet. He took out a silver crucifix which he brandished as he came toward me. And in a completely different, almost cracked voice, he shouted, "Do you know what this is?" I said, "Yes, of course." Speaking very quickly and passionately, he told me that he believed in God, that it was his conviction that no man was so guilty that God would not forgive him, but in order for that to happen a man must repent and in so doing become like a child whose heart is open and ready to embrace all. He was leaning all the way over the table. He was waving his crucifix almost directly over my head.
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