7.3 我煞想講 in kap 我 "仝國"

7.3 Góa soah siūⁿ-kóng in kap góa "kāng-kok"

Láu-si̍t-kóng, góa kám-kak bô hoat-tō͘ lí-kái i ê lí-lūn, tē-it, in-ūi góa chin joa̍h, iû-kî pān-kong-sek ni̍h ū tōa-chiah hô͘-sîn poe-lâi poe-khì, put-sî thêng lâi góa ê hia̍h-thâu, koh-lâi, in-ūi góa mā sió-khóa khì hō͘ i heh-kiaⁿ tio̍h. Kāng hit-sî, góa mā chai, he chiâⁿ hàm, in-ūi góa iû-goân sī hoān-lâng. I koh kè-sio̍k. Góa sió-sió liáu-kái, tī góa ê jīn-chōe tiong-kan kan-ta ū chi̍t-tiám hō͘ i bē chheng-chhó, tē-jī kái khui-chhèng chìn-chêng góa ū tiû-tû chi̍t-ē chit-ê sū-si̍t. Kî-thaⁿ ê lóng hó-sè ah, kan-ta hit-pō͘-hūn i bē tit liáu-kái.

Góa tú boeh kā i kóng, mî-chiⁿ he bô lō͘-iōng, in-ūi he si̍t-chāi sī bô siáⁿ iàu-kín ê. M̄-koh i phah-tn̄g góa ê ōe, koh mn̄g góa chi̍t-piàn, chiah ná khiā-thêng sin-khu, ná mn̄g góa ū sìn Sîn bô. Góa kóng, bô. I chin bô hoaⁿ-hí, chē lo̍h-lâi.

I kóng, che sī bô-khó-lêng ê tāi-chì; só͘-ū ê lâng lóng sìn Sîn, lián hoán-pōe Sîn ê mā sìn. He sī i ê sìn-ióng, i nā hoâi-gî che, i ê sèⁿ-miā tō bô ì-gī ah. "Lí boeh ài góa ê sèⁿ-miā bô ì-gī sioh?" i hoah-siaⁿ. Chiū góa khòaⁿ, che kap góa lóng bô tī-tāi, góa tō án-ne kā i kóng.

M̄-koh, ùi toh-á hit-pêng i í-keng kā he si̍p-jī-kè tu tī góa ê bīn, hoan-tian tōa kiò, "Góa sī Kitok-tô͘. Góa chhiáⁿ I goân-liōng lí ê chōe. Lí ná ē-sái bô siong-sìn I sī ūi lí teh siū-khó͘?"

Góa chù-ì tio̍h i ê chin sim, m̄-koh góa mā jím bē-tiâu ah-lah. Lāi-bīn lú lâi lú joa̍h.

Tō ná pêng-siông kāng-khoán, nā boeh sak-khui góa bē-giàn koh thiaⁿ i ê ōe ê lâng, góa tō ké-kúi tông-ì i ê kóng-hoat. Hō͘ góa kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô, i soah siūⁿ-kóng i iâⁿ ah.

"Lí khòaⁿ, lí khòaⁿ!" i kóng. "Lí ū teh sìn, kám m̄-sī? Taⁿ lí boeh sìn-jīm I ah, kám m̄-sī?"

Chiâⁿ liáu-jiân, góa koh kóng, m̄-sī. I tò-siàng chē lo̍h i ê í-á.

I ká-ná chin thiám. I thêng chi̍t-khùn bô kóng siáⁿ, iah hit-ê phah-jī-ki it-tit phah bô-thêng, iáu-sī ti-ti to̍k-to̍k teh phah chòe-āu kúi-kù ōe. Āu-lâi, i kō͘ chi̍t-ê sió-khóa pi-ai ê piáu-chêng, kim-kim khòaⁿ góa. I kē-siaⁿ kóng:

"Góa m̄-bat khòaⁿ-kòe chhiūⁿ lí chiah kò͘-chip ê lêng-hûn. Góa tú kòe ê chōe-hoān khòaⁿ tio̍h chit-ê Iâ-so͘ siū-lān ê si̍p-jī-kè chóng-sī tōa-khàu."

Góa tú siūⁿ boeh kā i kóng, he sī in-ūi in sī chōe-hoān. M̄-koh góa koh siūⁿ tio̍h, góa mā sī sio̍k tī chōe-hoān. Chit-ê koan-liām góa iáu bē koàn-sì.

Lo̍h-bóe, thui-sū khiā khí-lâi, ká-ná piáu-sī mn̄g-ōe kiat-sok ah. I kō͘ kāng-khoán siān-siān ê kháu-khì, kan-ta mn̄g kóng, góa kám ē hiō-hóe góa só͘ chò ê.

Góa siūⁿ chi̍t-khùn, kóng, mài kóng hiō-hóe, góa koh-khah kám-kak ià-hoân. Góa khòaⁿ i sī thiaⁿ bô góa kóng ê ì-sù. Chóng-sī, hit-kang ê tāi-chì kan-ta kàu chia.

Āu-lâi, góa hām thui-sū koh kìⁿ chiok chē kái, put-kò ta̍k-kái lóng ū góa ê lu̍t-su pôe tio̍h. M̄-koh lóng sī iú-koan boeh têng-chheng chi̍t-kóa chá-chêng góa kóng kòe ê tāi-chì niā-niā. Nā bô, tō sī thui-sū hām góa ê lu̍t-su thó-lūn góa ê chōe-miâ. M̄-koh tī hiah-ê to͘-ha̍p, in lóng bô teh chhap góa. Chóng-kóng, mn̄g-ōe ê kháu-khì bān-bān teh piàn.

Thui-sū ná-chhiūⁿ bô koh tùi góa ū hèng-chhù, ká-ná tùi góa ê àn-kiāⁿ í-keng ū siáⁿ koat-tēng ah. I bô koh kap góa kóng Sîn, góa mā bô koh khòaⁿ tio̍h i chhiūⁿ tē-it kang án-ne hiah-nī téng-chin. Kiat-kio̍k sī, goán ê thó-lūn lú lâi lú chhin-chhiat. Mn̄g kúi-ê-á būn-tê, hām góa ê lu̍t-su sió-khóa thó-lūn chi̍t-ē, án-ne mn̄g-ōe tō kiat-sok ah.

Tō ná thui-sū só͘ kóng ê, góa ê àn-kiāⁿ chi̍t-pō͘ chi̍t-pō͘ chiàu-siông teh chìn-hêng. Iū-koh ū-sî, nā kau-tâm tio̍h khah it-poaⁿ ê ōe-tê ê sî, in tō hō͘ góa ka-ji̍p.

Góa khai-sí kám-kak tio̍h khah chū-iû ê khì-hun. Bô-lâng tī jīm-hô chi̍t-kái ê mn̄g-ōe tùi góa giám-ngē. Sū-sū lóng hiah chū-jiân, hiah sūn-lī, an-pâi kah hiah hó-sè, góa soah ū chi̍t-ê hó-chhiò ê ìn-siōng, siūⁿ-kóng goán lóng sī "kāng-kok-ê."

Góa ē-sái kóng, tī tiâu-cha keng-kòe ê cha̍p-it kò goe̍h bóe, góa soah hoat-hiān kóng, góa m̄-bat hiah-nī-á hiáng-siū che chió-chió kúi-kái ê sî-chūn, thui-sū chhōa góa kàu i ê pān-kong-sek mn̂g-kháu, ná phok góa ê keng-kah-thâu ná chhin-chhiat kā góa kóng:

"Kin-á-ji̍t kàu chia tō hó, Hoán Kitok Sian-siⁿ."

Chū án-ne koh kā góa kau-hō͘ hoat-kéng.

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7.3 我煞想講 in kap 我 "仝國"

老實講, 我感覺無法度理解伊 ê 理論, 第一, 因為我真熱, 尤其辦公室 ni̍h 有大隻胡蠅飛來飛去, 不時停來我 ê 額頭, koh 來, 因為我 mā 小可去予伊嚇驚著. 仝彼時, 我 mā 知, he 誠譀, 因為我猶原是犯人. 伊 koh 繼續. 我小小了解, tī 我 ê 認罪中間干焦有一點予伊袂清楚, 第二改開銃進前我有躊躇一下這个事實. 其他 ê lóng 好勢 ah, 干焦彼部份伊袂得了解.

我拄欲 kā 伊講, mî-chiⁿ he 無路用, 因為 he 實在是無啥要緊 ê. M̄-koh 伊拍斷我 ê 話, koh 問我一遍, 才 ná 徛 thêng 身軀, ná 問我有信神無. 我講, 無. 伊真無歡喜, 坐落來.

伊講, che 是無可能 ê 代誌; 所有 ê 人 lóng 信神, 連反背神 ê mā 信. He 是伊 ê 信仰, 伊若懷疑 che, 伊 ê 性命 tō 無意義 ah. "你欲愛我 ê 性命無意義 sioh?" 伊喝聲. 就我看, che kap 我 lóng 無 tī-tāi, 我 tō án-ne kā 伊講.

M̄-koh, ùi 桌仔彼爿伊已經 kā he 十字架 tu tī 我 ê 面, 番顛大叫, "我是基督徒. 我請伊原諒你 ê 罪. 你那會使無相信伊是為你 teh 受苦?"

我注意著伊 ê 真心, m̄-koh 我 mā 忍袂牢 ah-lah. 內面 lú 來 lú 熱.

Tō ná 平常仝款, 若欲捒開我袂癮 koh 聽伊 ê 話 ê 人, 我 tō 假鬼同意伊 ê 講法. 予我驚一趒, 伊煞想講伊贏 ah.

"你看, 你看!" 伊講. "你有 teh 信, 敢毋是? 今你欲信任伊 ah, 敢毋是?"

誠了然, 我 koh 講, 毋是. 伊 tò-siàng 坐落伊 ê 椅仔.

伊 ká-ná 真忝. 伊停一睏無講啥, iah 彼个拍字機一直拍無停, 猶是 ti-ti to̍k-to̍k teh 拍最後幾句話. 後來, 伊 kō͘ 一个小可悲哀 ê 表情, 金金看我. 伊低聲講:

"我 m̄-bat 看過像你 chiah 固執 ê 靈魂. 我拄過 ê 罪犯看著這个耶穌受難 ê 十字架總是大哭."

我拄想欲 kā 伊講, he 是因為 in 是罪犯. M̄-koh 我 koh 想著, 我 mā 是屬 tī 罪犯. 這个觀念我猶袂慣勢.

落尾, 推事徛起來, ká-ná 表示問話結束 ah. 伊 kō͘ 仝款 siān-siān ê 口氣, 干焦問講, 我敢會後悔我所做 ê.

我想一睏, 講, 莫講後悔, 我 koh 較感覺厭煩. 我看伊是聽無我講 ê 意思. 總是, 彼工 ê 代誌干焦到遮.

後來, 我和推事 koh 見足濟改, 不過逐改 lóng 有我 ê 律師陪著. M̄-koh lóng 是有關欲澄清一寡早前我講過 ê 代誌 niā-niā. 若無, tō 是推事和我 ê 律師討論我 ê 罪名. M̄-koh tī hiah-ê 都合, in lóng 無 teh chhap 我. 總講, 問話 ê 口氣慢慢 teh 變.

推事 ná 像無 koh 對我有興趣, ká-ná 對我 ê 案件已經有啥決定 ah. 伊無 koh kap 我講神, 我 mā 無 koh 看著伊像第一工 án-ne hiah-nī 頂真. 結局是, 阮 ê 討論 lú 來 lú 親切. 問幾个仔問題, 和我 ê 律師小可討論一下, án-ne 問話 tō 結束 ah.

Tō ná 推事所講 ê, 我 ê 案件一步一步照常 teh 進行. 又 koh 有時, 若交談著較一般 ê 話題 ê 時, in tō 予我加入.

我開始感覺著較自由 ê 氣氛. 無人 tī 任何一改 ê 問話對我儼硬. 事事 lóng hiah 自然, hiah 順利, 安排 kah hiah 好勢, 我煞有一个好笑 ê 印象, 想講阮 lóng 是 "仝國 ê."

我會使講, tī 調查經過 ê 十一個月尾, 我煞發現講, 我 m̄-bat hiah-nī-á 享受 che 少少幾改 ê 時陣, 推事 chhōa 我到伊 ê 辦公室門口, ná 撲我 ê 肩胛頭 ná 親切 kā 我講:

"今仔日到遮 tō 好, 反基督先生."

自 án-ne koh kā 我交予法警.

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7.3

To tell the truth, I had found it very hard to follow his reasoning, first because I was hot and there were big Hies in his office that kept landing on my face, and also because he was scaring me a little. At the same time I knew that that was ridiculous because, after all, I was the criminal. He went on anyway. I vaguely understood that to his mind there was just one thing that wasn't clear in my confession, the fact that I had hesitated before I fired my second shot. The rest was fine, but that part he couldn't understand.

I was about to tell him he was wrong to dwell on it, because it really didn't matter. But he cut me off and urged me one last time, drawing himself up to his full height and asking me if I believed in God. I said no. He sat down indignantly. He said it was impossible; all men believed in God, even those who turn their backs on him. That was his belief, and if he were ever to doubt it, his life would become meaningless. "Do you want my life to be meaningless?" he shouted. As far as I could see, it didn't have anything to do with me, and I told him so. But from across the table he had already thrust the crucifix in my face and was screaming irrationally, "I am a Christian. I ask Him to forgive you your sins. How can you not believe that He suffered for you?" I was struck by how sincere he seemed, but I had had enough. It was getting hotter and hotter. As always, whenever I want to get rid of someone I'm not really listening to, I made it appear as if I agreed. To my surprise, he acted triumphant. "You see, you see!" he said. "You do believe, don't you, and you're going to place your trust in Him, aren't you?" Obviously, I again said no. He fell back in his chair.

He seemed to be very tired. He didn't say anything for a minute while the typewriter, which hadn't let up the whole time, was still tapping out the last few sentences. Then he looked at me closely and with a little sadness in his face. In a low voice he said, "I have never seen a soul as hardened as yours. The criminals who have come before me have always wept at the sight of this image of suffering." I was about to say that that was precisely because they were criminals. But then I realized that I was one too. It was an idea I couldn't get used to. Then the judge stood up, as if to give me the signal that the examination was over. He simply asked, in the same weary tone, if I was sorry for what I had done. I thought about it for a minute and said that more than sorry I felt kind of annoyed. I got the impression he didn't understand. But that was as far as things went that day.

After that, I saw a lot of the magistrate, except that my lawyer was with me each time. But it was just a matter of clarifying certain things in my previous statements. Or else the magistrate would discuss the charges with my lawyer. But on those occasions they never really paid much attention to me. Anyway, the tone of the questioning gradually changed. The magistrate seemed to have lost interest in me and to have come to some sort of decision about my case. He didn't talk to me about God anymore, and I never saw him as worked up as he was that first day. The result was that our discussions became more cordial. A few questions, a brief conversation with my lawyer, and the examinations were over. As the magistrate put it, my case was taking its course. And then sometimes, when the conversation was of a more general nature, I would be included. I started to breathe more freely. No one, in any of these meetings, was rough with me. Everything was so natural, so well handled, and so calmly acted out that I had the ridiculous impression of being "one of the family." And I can say that at the end of the eleven months that this investigation lasted, I was almost surprised that I had ever enjoyed anything other than those rare moments when the judge would lead me to the door of his office, slap me on the shoulder, and say to me cordially, "That's all for today, Monsieur Antichrist." I would then be handed back over to the police.

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