1.5 Chhut-soaⁿ
Góa gia̍h-thâu khòaⁿ sì-piⁿ ê chng-kha kéng-tì. Khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-pâi chi̍t-pâi ê siông-lô thàng ǹg thiⁿ-piⁿ ê soaⁿ-niá, chi̍t-tah chi̍t-tah ê chhù-the̍h khiā tī âng kap chheⁿ sio-chhap ê tē-bīn, che hō͘ góa chìn chi̍t-pō͘ lí-kái Mama ê sim-chêng. Chit-ê só͘-chāi ê hông-hun tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī hō͘ lâng kám-siong ê sî-chūn. M̄-koh, kin-á-ji̍t, ji̍t-thâu chhiah iāⁿ-iāⁿ, hō͘ kui-ê kéng-tì sio thǹg-thǹg, hō͘ lâng kám-kak bô-chêng koh ū ap-le̍k.
Goán chóng-sǹg chhut-hoat ah. Hit-sî góa chiah chù-ì tio̍h, Pérez sió-khóa pái-kha. Chiām-chiām lêng-chhia ê sok-tō͘ ke khah kín ah, hit-ê lāu-lâng lú thoa lú hn̄g. Kiâⁿ tī lêng-chhia piⁿ-á ê lâng, mā ū chi̍t-ê tòe bē tio̍h, taⁿ soah kiâⁿ kap góa tâng-chê. Ji̍t-thâu peh chhiūⁿ thiⁿ ê sok-tō͘ hiah kín hō͘ góa chin ì-gōa. Góa chù-ì tio̍h, chhân-hn̂g ni̍h chá tō chhiong-móa phang a̍h ku-á teh hiⁿ kap hoe-chháu teh piak ê siaⁿ. Kōaⁿ lâu lo̍h góa ê bīn. Góa bô tì bō-á, tō iōng chhiú-kin ia̍t-hong.
Pin-gî-koán ê lâng kap góa kóng-ōe, m̄-koh góa bô thiaⁿ tio̍h i kóng siáⁿ. I iōng chiàⁿ-chhíu kā bō-á sió thèⁿ koân, tông-sî koh iōng tò-chhiú the̍h chhiú-kin-á khì chhit-kōaⁿ. Góa mn̄g i kóng, "Siáⁿ-hòe?" I chhiú pí thiⁿ-téng, liân-sòa kóng:
"Chiâⁿ joa̍h."
Góa kóng, "Sī ah."
Kòe chi̍t-khùn, i mn̄g, "He sī lín lāu-bú tī hia sioh?"
Góa koh kóng, "Sī ah."
"Yi kúi-hōe ah?"
Góa ìn kóng, "Put-chí-á chē hōe," in-ūi góa mā m̄-chai chèng-khak ê nî-hòe.
Án-ne liáu-āu, i tō lóng bô koh kóng siáⁿ. Góa oa̍t-thâu, khòaⁿ tio̍h lāu Pérez tī goán āu-piah lī gō͘-cha̍p bí ê ūi. I piàⁿ-miā teh kiâⁿ, koh ná iōng chhiú ia̍t i ê jiông-á bō. Góa mā gia̍h-ba̍k khòaⁿ īⁿ-tiúⁿ. I kiâⁿ kah chin ū ui-giâm, ta̍k-pō͘ lóng ta̍h kah si̍t-si̍t chāi-chāi. Ū kúi-ā lia̍p kōaⁿ puh tī i ê hia̍h-thâu, m̄-koh i bô kā chhit-tiāu.
Góa kám-kak kui-ê tūi-ngó͘ ū sió-khóa kiâⁿ khah kín ah. Góa ê sì-piⁿ kāng-khoán sī hō͘ ji̍t-thâu pha̍k kah chhiah-iāⁿ-iāⁿ ê chhân-hn̂g. Thiⁿ-téng ê siám-kng hō͘ lâng lân-tit jím-siū. Kî-tiong ū chi̍t-chām, góa kiâⁿ-kòe chi̍t-tōaⁿ tú-chiah sin pho͘ hó ê lō͘. Tamaka hō͘ ji̍t-thâu phak kah pok-khui. Goán kha ta̍h tio̍h ê só͘-chāi lap lo̍h-khì, o͘-kim-sek ê tamaka-ko koh chuh chhut-lâi. Chē tī lêng-chhia téng-koân ê bé-hu, i he koân-koân ê phôe-bō-á tō ná-chhiūⁿ sī hō͘ he o͘-sek tamaka chìm--kòe kāng-khoán. Góa kám-kak kui-ê lâng bâng-bâng -- thiⁿ-sek sī nâ koh pe̍h, iah góa sì-piⁿ ê sek-chhái iū-koh chiah tan-tiāu: tamaka ê liâm-liâm o͘-sek, só͘-ū ho̍k-chong ê àm-sek, í-kip lêng-chhia ê siám-kng o͘-sek. Só͘-ū chiah-ê -- ji̍t-thâu, lêng-chhia ê phôe-kek kap bé-sái ê bī, iû-chhat kap hiuⁿ ê bī, chham tio̍h góa chi̍t-mê bô khùn ê thiám-thâu -- hō͘ góa bô hoat-tō͘ ti̍t-ti̍t khòaⁿ a̍h-sī choan-sim siūⁿ.
Góa koh oa̍t-thâu: Pérez ká-ná làu-kau tī hn̄g-hn̄g ê só͘-chāi, tī chhèng-ian ê sio-khì āu-bīn. Āu-lâi, góa oân-choân bô khòaⁿ tio̍h i. Góa sì-kè chhōe khòaⁿ-māi, hoat-hiān i kiâⁿ lī-khui tōa-lō͘, oat ji̍p-khì chhân-hn̂g ê sió-lō͘. Góa mā hoat-hiān, tī thâu-chêng ê tōa-lō͘ ū chi̍t-ê oat-kak. Chū án-ne góa chai-iáⁿ, Pérez se̍k-sāi chit só͘-chāi ê chng-kha, taⁿ teh chhau kīn-lō͘, í-piān kā goán jek óa--lâi. Tán goán kiâⁿ kàu oat-kak ê sî, i í-keng jek kàu goán ê āu-piah. Āu-lâi, goán iū-koh bô khòaⁿ-e i. I koh chhau kīn-lō͘, tō án-ne chi̍t-kái koh chi̍t-kái. Góa ē-tàng kám-kak tio̍h pìn-piⁿ ê hoeh-me̍h thiàu kah chin lī-hāi.
Án-ne liáu-āu, ta̍k-hāng tāi-chì ká-ná lóng chin kín, chin chún, koh chin chū-jiân, góa soah chiâu bē-kì-tit ah. Kan-ta ū chi̍t-hāng: tng goán chìn-ji̍p chng ni̍h ê sî, hō͘-sū kā góa kóng. Yi ê siaⁿ-im chiâⁿ hó-thiaⁿ, che hām yi ê bīn-māu bē pí tit, sī chi̍t-chióng ū ūn-lu̍t, ū chiat-chàu ê siaⁿ. Yi kóng, "Lí nā kiâⁿ siuⁿ bān, ū khó-lêng ē tio̍h-soa. M̄-koh lí nā kiâⁿ siuⁿ kín, tō ē lâu chi̍t-sin kōaⁿ, kàu kàu-tn̂g ni̍h ê sî, lí tō ē ùi-kôaⁿ." Yi kóng liáu bô m̄-tio̍h. Tāi-chì tō sī án-ne, bô kî-thaⁿ ê chhut-lō͘ ah.
Hit-kang ê tāi-chì iáu koh ū kúi-ā bō͘ ê kéng-tì lâu tī góa ê sim-ni̍h: chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng, ji̍p chng ni̍h chìn-chêng, siōng bóe-kái jek tio̍h goán hit-sî ê Pérez ê bīn-māu. Siong-sim kap phî-lô hō͘ i móa bīn chiâu ba̍k-sái. M̄-koh in-ūi bīn siōng ê jiâu-hûn, ba̍k-sái soah tih bē lo̍h-khì. In lâu thán-hoâiⁿ, chek chò-hóe, chek kah kui-ê bīn tâm kô͘-kô͘, ná khàm chi̍t-iân chúi.
Koh-lâi tō sī kàu-tn̂g kap lō͘-piⁿ ê chng-kha lâng, bōng-tiûⁿ ni̍h bōng-á téng hong-lō͘-chháu (風露草, geranium) ê âng-hoe, Pérez hūn-khì (i kiù-kin kah ná-chhiūⁿ chi̍t-sian pò͘-ang-á), iā tī Mama ê koaⁿ-chhâ téng-bīn ê ná hoeh hiah âng ê thô͘, kap thô͘-ni̍h chhap tio̍h ê pe̍h-sek chháu-kin, chhap-cha̍p ê lâng kap lâng ê siaⁿ, tī kapi-thiaⁿ gōa-kháu ê tán-thāi, bô-thêng ê mohtà choán-tāng ê siaⁿ, kap básuh chìn-ji̍p tiám-tiám teng-hóe ê Algiers siâⁿ hit-sî góa ê hoaⁿ-hí, in-ūi góa chai góa boeh ē-tàng chiūⁿ-chhn̂g khùn cha̍p-jī tiám-cheng ah-lah.
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1.5 出山
我攑頭看四邊 ê 庄跤景致. 看著一排一排 ê 松蘿迵 ǹg 天邊 ê 山嶺, 一搭一搭 ê 厝宅徛 tī 紅 kap 青相插 ê 地面, che 予我進一步理解 Mama ê 心情. 這个所在 ê 黃昏定著是予人感傷 ê 時陣. M̄-koh, 今仔日, 日頭赤 iāⁿ-iāⁿ, 予規个景致燒燙燙, 予人感覺無情 koh 有壓力.
阮總算出發 ah. 彼時我才注意著, Pérez 小可跛跤. 漸漸靈車 ê 速度加較緊 ah, 彼个老人 lú 拖 lú 遠. 行 tī 靈車邊仔的人, mā 有一个綴袂著, 今煞行 kap 我同齊. 日頭 peh chiūⁿ 天 ê 速度 hiah 緊予我真意外. 我注意著, 田園 ni̍h 早 tō 充滿蜂 a̍h 龜仔 teh hiⁿ kap 花草 teh 煏 ê 聲. 汗流落我 ê 面. 我無戴帽仔, tō 用手巾擛風.
殯儀館 ê 人 kap 我講話, m̄-koh 我無聽著伊講啥. 伊用正手 kā 帽仔小 thèⁿ 懸, 同時 koh 用倒手提手巾仔去拭汗. 我問伊講, "啥貨?" 伊手比天頂, 連紲講:
"誠熱."
我講, "是 ah."
過一睏, 伊問, "He 是恁老母 tī 遐 sioh?"
我 koh 講, "是 ah."
"她幾歲 ah?"
我應講, "不止仔濟歲," 因為我 mā 毋知正確 ê 年歲.
Án-ne 了後, 伊 tō 攏無 koh 講啥. 我越頭, 看著老 Pérez tī 阮後壁離五十米 ê 位. 伊拚命 teh 行, koh ná 用手擛伊 ê 絨仔帽. 我 mā 攑目看院長. 伊行 kah 真有威嚴, 逐步攏踏 kah 實實在在. 有幾 ā 粒汗 puh tī 伊 ê 額頭, m̄-koh 伊無 kā 拭掉.
我感覺規个隊伍有小可行較緊 ah. 我 ê 四邊仝款是予日頭曝 kah 赤 iāⁿ-iāⁿ ê 田園. 天頂 ê 閃光予人難得忍受. 其中有一站, 我行過一段拄才新鋪好 ê 路. Tamaka 予日頭曝 kah pok 開. 阮跤踏著 ê 所在 lap 落去, 烏金色 ê tamaka 膏 koh chuh 出來. 坐 tī 靈車頂懸 ê 馬伕, 伊 he 懸懸 ê 皮帽仔 tō ná 像是予 he 烏色 tamaka 浸過仝款. 我感覺規个人茫茫 -- 天色是藍 koh 白, iah 我四邊 ê 色彩又 koh chiah 單調: tamaka ê 粘粘烏色, 所有服裝 ê 暗色, 以及靈車 ê 閃光烏色. 所有 chiah-ê -- 日頭, 靈車 ê 皮革 kap 馬屎 ê 味, 油漆 kap 香 ê 味, 參著我一暝無睏 ê 忝頭 -- 予我無法度直直看 a̍h 是專心想.
我 koh 越頭: Pérez ká-ná 落勾 tī 遠遠 ê 所在, tī 衝煙 ê 燒氣後面. 後來, 我完全無看著伊. 我四界揣看覓, 發現伊行離開大路, 斡入去田園 ê 小路. 我 mā 發現, tī 頭前 ê 大路有一个斡角. 自 án-ne 我知影, Pérez 熟似這所在 ê 庄跤, 今 teh 抄近路, 以便 kā 阮 jek 倚來. 等阮行到斡角 ê 時, 伊已經 jek 到阮 ê 後壁. 後來, 阮又 koh 無看 e 伊. 伊 koh 抄近路, tō án-ne 一改 koh 一改. 我會當感覺著鬢邊 ê 血脈跳 kah 真厲害.
Án-ne 了後, 逐項代誌 ká-ná 攏真緊, 真準, koh 真自然, 我煞 chiâu 袂記得 ah. 干焦有一項: 當阮進入庄 ni̍h ê 時, 護士 kā 我講. 她 ê 聲音誠好聽, che 和她 ê 面貌袂比得, 是一種有韻律, 有節奏 ê 聲. 她講, "你若行 siuⁿ 慢, 有可能會著痧. M̄-koh 你若行 siuⁿ 緊, tō 會流一身汗, 到教堂 ni̍h ê 時, 你 tō 會畏寒." 她講了無毋著. 代誌 tō 是 án-ne, 無其他 ê 出路 ah.
彼工 ê 代誌猶 koh 有幾 ā 幕 ê 景致留 tī 我 ê 心 ni̍h: 親像講, 入庄 ni̍h 進前, 上尾改 jek 著阮彼時 ê Pérez ê 面貌. 傷心 kap 疲勞予伊滿面 chiâu 目屎. M̄-koh 因為面上 ê 皺痕, 目屎煞滴袂落去. In 流坦橫, 積做伙, 積 kah 規个面澹糊糊, ná 崁一沿水.
Koh 來 tō 是教堂 kap 路邊 ê 庄跤人, 墓場 ni̍h 墓仔頂 hong-lō͘-chháu (風露草, geranium) ê 紅花, Pérez 昏去 (伊糾筋 kah ná 像一仙布尪仔), 掖 tī Mama ê 棺柴頂面 ê ná 血 hiah 紅 ê 塗, kap 塗 ni̍h chhap 著 ê 白色草根, 插雜 ê 人 kap 人 ê 聲, tī kapi 廳外口 ê 等待, 無停 ê mohtà 轉動 ê 聲, kap básuh 進入點點燈火 ê Algiers 城彼時我 ê 歡喜, 因為我知我欲會當上床睏十二點鐘 ah-lah.
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1.5
I was looking at the countryside around me. Seeing the rows of cypress trees leading up to the hills next to the sky, and the houses standing out here and there against that red and green earth, I was able to understand Maman better. Evenings in that part of the country must have been a kind of sad relief. But today, with the sun bearing down, making the whole landscape shimmer with heat, it was inhuman and oppressive.
We got under way. It was then that I noticed that Perez had a slight limp. Little by little, the hearse was picking up speed and the old man was losing ground. One of the men Banking the hearse had also dropped back and was now even with me. I was surprised at how fast the sun was climbing in the sky. I noticed that for quite some time the countryside had been buzzing with the sound of insects and the crackling of grass. The sweat was pouring down my face. I wasn't wearing a hat, so I fanned myself with my handkerchief. The man from the undertaker's said something to me then which I missed. He was lifting the edge of his cap with his right hand and wiping his head with a handkerchief with his left at the same time. I said, "What?" He pointed up at the sky and repeated, "Pretty hot." I said, "Yes." A minute later he asked, "Is that your mother in there?" Again I said, "Yes." "Was she old?" I answered, "Fairly," because I didn't know the exact number. After that he was quiet. I turned around and saw old Perez about fifty meters behind us. He was going as fast as he could, swinging his felt hat at the end of his arm. I looked at the director, too. He was walking with great dignity, without a single wasted motion. A few beads of sweat were forming on his forehead, but he didn't wipe them off.
The procession seemed to me to be moving a little faster. All around me there was still the same glowing countryside Hooded with sunlight. The glare from the sky was unbearable. At one point, we went over a section of the road that had just been repaved. The tar had burst open in the sun. Our feet sank into it, leaving its shiny pulp exposed. Sticking up above the top of the hearse, the coachman's hard leather hat looked as if it had been molded out of the same black mud. I felt a little lost between the blue and white of the sky and the monotony of the colors around me-the sticky black of the tar, the dull black of all the clothes, and the shiny black of the hearse. All of it--the sun, the smell of leather and horse dung from the hearse, the smell of varnish and incense, and my fatigue after a night without sleep-was making it hard for me to see or think straight. I turned around agai n : Perez seemed to be way back there, fading in the shimmering heat. Then I lost sight of him altogether. I looked around and saw that he'd left the road and cut out across the fields. I also noticed there was a bend in the road up ahead. I realized that Perez, who knew the country, was taking a short cut in order to catch up with us. By the time we rounded the bend, he was back with us. Then we lost him again. He set off cross country once more, and so it went on. I could feel the blood pounding in my temples.
After that, everything seemed to happen so fast, so deliberately, so naturally that I don't remember any of it anymore. Except for one thing: as we entered the village, the nurse spoke to me. She had a remarkable voice which didn't go with her face at all, a melodious, quavering voice. She said, "If you go slowly, you risk getting sunstroke. But if you go too fast, you work up a sweat and then catch a chill inside the church." She was right. There was no way out. Several other images from that day have stuck in my mind: for instance, Perez's face when he caught up with us for the last time, just outside the village. Big tears of frustration and exhaustion were streaming down his cheeks. But because of all the wrinkles, they weren't dripping off. They spread out and ran together again, leaving a watery film over his ruined face. Then there was the church and the villagers on the sidewalks, the red geraniums on the graves in the cemetery, Perez fainting (he crumpled like a rag doll), the blood-red earth spilling over Maman's casket, the white flesh of the roots mixed in with it, more people, voices, the village, waiting in front of a cafe, the incessant drone of the motor, and my joy when the bus entered the nest of lights that was Algiers and I knew I was going to go to bed and sleep for twelve hours.
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