11
11.1 Kám ū ki-hōe thang tô-miā?
Góa í-keng tē-saⁿ pái kī-choa̍t kìⁿ kaⁿ-ga̍k sîn-hū. Góa bô ōe thang kap i kóng; góa bô siūⁿ boeh kóng-ōe. Góa chai i chin kín tō ē koh lâi. Taⁿ góa siōng koan-sim ê sī tô-kòe hit-tâi chèng-gī ê ki-khì, khòaⁿ he siám-bē-lī ê tāi-chì sī-m̄-sī iáu ū chhut-lō͘.
In í-keng kā góa koaiⁿ tī lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê kaⁿ-pâng. Tī chia, tó tī bîn-chhn̂g-pang góa ē-tàng khòaⁿ tio̍h thiⁿ-téng, mā kan-ta ē-tàng khòaⁿ tio̍h he. Ta̍k-kang góa lóng teh khòaⁿ thiⁿ-sek ùi ji̍t-sî piàn-hòa kàu àm-mê. Tó leh, góa kā chhiú khòe tī thâu-khak ē-bīn, án-ne teh tán.
Ū sǹg bē-liáu ê chē kái, góa teh siūⁿ kám bat ū jīm-hô lâng, pī phòaⁿ sí-hêng koh tô-kòe hit-tâi bô-chêng ê ki-khì, tī chām-thâu-to lak-lo̍h chìn-chêng thau-cháu a̍h-sī chhiong-phòa kéng-hong ê ûi-soh. Góa ta̍k-kái lóng bâi-oàn ka-tī chá-chêng bô-kàu koan-sim iú-koan sí-hêng ê tāi-chì.
Lán-lâng tio̍h tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ tùi chiah-ê tāi-chì ū hèng-chhù. Siáng chai siáⁿ tāi-chì ū khó-lêng hoat-seng. Hām ta̍k-lâng kāng-khoán, góa bat tī pò-chóa tha̍k tio̍h chit-chióng sin-bûn. M̄-koh, tiāⁿ-tio̍h ū choan-bûn biô-siá chit-lō chú-tê ê chheh, góa m̄-bat hòⁿ-kî khì chhōe lâi tha̍k. Tī chheh ni̍h, hoān-sè góa ē-tàng tha̍k tio̍h tô-seng ê soeh-bêng. Góa khó-lêng ē hoat-hiān, siōng-bô bat ū-lâng tú-tio̍h miā-ūn ê lián-á tòng-tiām, sui-bóng tī bô-chêng ê kè-sǹg ē-bīn, chóng--sī, ki-iân kap hó-ūn soah kái-piàn liáu it-chhè. Chí-iàu chi̍t-kái!
Bó͘ chi̍t hong-bīn lâi kóng, góa siūⁿ án-ne tō ū-kàu ah-lah. Chhun-ê tō kau hō͘ góa ê sim khì thé-hōe. Pò-chóa chóng-sī kóng-khí khiàm siā-hōe ê chè. In kóng, chè tio̍h ài hêng. M̄-koh kóng che chin bô piàn-khiàu. Chin-chiàⁿ ū ì-sù ê sī tô-seng ê khó-lêng, cháu ǹg chū-iû, thoat-lī he bián-put-liáu ê gî-sek, piàⁿ-miā cháu, cháu chhut jīm-hô ki-hōe ê hi-bāng. Tong-jiân, hi-bāng mā ū khó-lêng tī ke-lō͘ tńg-kak hông cha̍h lo̍h-lâi, tī lí piàⁿ-miā cháu ê sî hō͘ sûi-ki ê chhèng-chí tōaⁿ tio̍h. M̄-koh, chèng-keng hó-hó kā siūⁿ leh, góa sī bē ū chit-lō hó-miā. Sū-sū lóng kap che tùi-ke̍h; góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē koh hō͘ hit-ê ki-khì lia̍h tio̍h.
Sui-bóng góa goān-ì khì lí-kái, góa tō sī bô hoat-tō͘ chiap-siū chit-chióng ah-pà ê khak-tēng. In-ūi, chóng-kóng chi̍t-kù, tī chit-chióng khak-tēng só͘ kin-kì ê phòaⁿ-koat, hām chū soan-phòaⁿ í-āu sū-sū bē-tit piàn-hòa ê chìn-tián, chit nn̄g-hāng tiong-kan chin-chiàⁿ ū bó͘-chióng hó-chhiò ê bô tùi-tâng.
Phòaⁿ-koat ê soan-pò͘ sī tī àm-sî peh-tiám m̄-sī gō͘-tiám, án-ne ū khó-lêng ē ū oân-choân bô kāng-khoán ê koat-tēng, iū-kî he sī iû chia̍p ōaⁿ lāi-saⁿ-khò͘ ê lâng só͘ koat-tēng, he sī kō͘ bô bêng-khak kài-liām ê Franse (a̍h Tek-kok, a̍h Tiong-kok) jîn-bîn ê miâ-gī só͘ koat-tēng -- chióng-cjhióng chiah-ê sū-si̍t lóng hō͘ chit-ê koat-tēng piàn-chiâⁿ bô-kàu giâm-siok.
Put-jî-kò, góa mā tio̍h ài sêng-jīn, chū-chiông phòaⁿ-koat lo̍h-lâi liáu-āu, i ê chok-iōng tō ná-chhiūⁿ góa sin-khu phēng tio̍h ê chit-tó͘ chhiûⁿ hiah-nī khak-si̍t, hiah-nī giâm-tiōng.
Tī chit-khoán sî-chūn, góa tō siūⁿ-khí Mama bat kóng khí iu-koan goán lāu-pē ê chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū. Góa chū sè-hàn m̄-bat kìⁿ kòe lāu-pē. Ē-sái-kóng, góa bat i ê ûi-it tāi-chì tō sī kòe-khì Mama kā góa kóng-khí ê chit-ê kò͘-sū: i cháu-khì khòaⁿ lâng chhú-koat chi̍t-ê sat-jîn-hoān. Tú siūⁿ-tio̍h boeh khì tō hō͘ i kám-kak boeh thò͘. M̄-koh i iáu-sī cháu khì khòaⁿ, tńg lâi liáu-āu kui-pòaⁿ-kang i lóng teh thò͘. Góa ē-kì-tit, hit-sî góa kám-kak sió-khóa thó-ià i.
M̄-koh taⁿ góa liáu-kái ah, he sī chiâⁿ chèng-siông ê tāi-chì. Sī án-chóaⁿ hit-sî góa m̄-chai, kám ū siáⁿ pí chhú-koat koh-khah tiōng-iàu, chiong-kî-bóe, he sī cha-po͘-lâng ûi-it chin-chiàⁿ hèng-chhù ê tāi-chì?
Góa nā ē-tàng kiâⁿ-chhut chit-ê kaⁿ-ga̍k, góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h boeh khì khòaⁿ ta̍k-tiûⁿ ê chhú-koat. M̄-koh góa siūⁿ, án-ne m̄-tio̍h, kin-pún bô hit-lō khó-lêng. In-ūi, nā siūⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-ê hó-thiⁿ ê chá-khí, góa hoat-hiān ka-tī sī chi̍t-ê chū-iû ê lâng, khiā tī kéng-hong ûi-soh ê gōa-bīn -- tio̍h, sī tī gōa-bīn -- chò chi̍t-ê koan-chiòng lâi chia khòaⁿ, sū-āu koh ē-tàng lī-khui, cháu khì thò͘, siūⁿ tio̍h che, góa ê nâ-âu tō gîa khí chi̍t-chūn ok-to̍k ê hoaⁿ-hí. M̄-koh, góa án-ne siūⁿ pēng bô ha̍p-lí. Kā ka-tī hō͘ chit-chióng khang-siūⁿ lia̍h khì, án-ne m̄-tio̍h, in-ūi sū-āu góa tō kám-kak chin kôaⁿ, tio̍h kiu tī thán-á ni̍h, kiu kah ná chi̍t-lia̍p kiû, chhùi-khí koh khia̍k-khia̍k kiò, tòng mā tòng bē tiām.
M̄-koh mā chin chū-jiân, lí bô khó-lêng it-ti̍t chin lí-sèng. Ū-sî-chūn, góa siūⁿ boeh tēng sin-ê hoat-lu̍t. Góa boeh kái-kek hêng-hoa̍t ê chè-tō͘. Góa lí-kái, siōng tiōng-iàu ê tāi-chì sī ài hō͘ chōe-lâng chi̍t-ê ki-hōe. Sīm-chì kan-ta chhian-hun-chi-it ê ki-hōe, mā ta̍t-tit án-ne kái.
Só͘-í, chāi góa khòaⁿ, lán ē-sái hoat-bêng chi̍t-chióng hòa-ha̍k-phín, he nā hō͘ hoān-chiá chia̍h lo̍h (tio̍h, góa kā hoān-lâng kiò chò "hoān-chiá"), cha̍p-lâng ū káu-lâng ē sí. M̄-koh tio̍h seng hō͘ i chai -- che sī ûi-it ê tiâu-kiāⁿ.
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11
11.1 敢有機會通逃命?
我已經第三擺拒絕見監獄神父. 我無話通 kap 伊講; 我無想欲講話. 我知伊真緊 tō 會 koh 來. 今我上關心 ê 是逃過彼台正義 ê 機器, 看 he 閃袂離 ê 代誌是毋是猶有出路.
In 已經 kā 我關 tī 另外一个監房. Tī 遮, 倒 tī 眠床枋我會當看著天頂, mā 干焦會當看著 he. 逐工我 lóng teh 看天色 ùi 日時變化到暗暝. 倒 leh, 我 kā 手 khòe tī 頭殼下面, án-ne teh 等.
有算袂了 ê 濟改, 我 teh 想敢 bat 有任何人, 被判死刑 koh 逃過彼台無情 ê 機器, tī 鏨頭刀 lak 落進前偷走 a̍h 是衝破警方 ê 圍索. 我逐改 lóng 埋怨家己早前無夠關心有關死刑 ê 代誌.
咱人著定定對 chiah-ê 代誌有興趣. Siáng 知啥代誌有可能發生. 和逐人仝款, 我 bat tī 報紙讀著這種新聞. M̄-koh, 定著有專門描寫 chit-lō 主題 ê 冊, 我 m̄-bat 好奇去揣來讀. Tī 冊 ni̍h, 凡勢我會當讀著逃生 ê 說明. 我可能會發現, 上無 bat 有人拄著命運 ê 輪仔擋恬, 雖罔 tī 無情 ê 計算下面, 總是, 機緣 kap 好運煞改變了一切. 只要一改!
某一方面來講, 我想 án-ne tō 有夠 ah-lah. 賰 ê tō 交予我 ê 心去體會. 報紙總是講起欠社會 ê 債. In 講, 債著愛還. M̄-koh 講這真無變竅. 真正有意思 ê 是逃生 ê 可能, 走 ǹg 自由, 脫離 he 免不了 ê 儀式, 拚命走, 走出任何機會 ê 希望. 當然, 希望 mā 有可能 tī 街路轉角 hông 閘落來, tī 你拚命走 ê 時予隨機 ê 銃子彈著. M̄-koh, 正經好好 kā 想 leh, 我是袂有 chit-lō 好命. 事事 lóng kap che 對 ke̍h; 我定著會 koh 予彼个機器掠著.
雖罔我願意去理解, 我 tō 是無法度接受這種壓霸 ê 確定. 因為, 總講一句, tī 這種確定所根據 ê 判決, 和自宣判以後事事袂得變化 ê 進展, 這兩項中間真正有某種好笑 ê 無對同.
判決 ê 宣布是 tī 暗時八點毋是五點, án-ne 有可能會有完全無仝款 ê 決定, 尤其 he 是由捷換內衫褲 ê 人所決定, he是 kō͘ 無明確概念 ê Franse (a̍h 德國, a̍h 中國) 人民 ê 名義所決定 -- 種種 chiah-ê 事實 lóng 予這个決定變成無夠嚴肅.
不而過, 我 mā 著愛承認, 自從判決落來了後, 伊 ê 作用 tō ná 像我身軀 phēng 著 ê 這堵牆 hiah-nī 確實, hiah-nī 嚴重.
Tī 這款時陣, 我 tō 想起 Mama bat 講起有關阮老爸 ê 一个故事. 我自細漢 m̄-bat 見過老爸. 會使講, 我 bat 伊 ê 唯一代誌 tō 是過去 Mama kā 我講起 ê 這个故事: 伊走去看人處決一个殺人犯. 拄想著欲去 tō 予伊感覺欲吐. M̄-koh 伊猶是走去看, 轉來了後規半工伊 lóng teh 吐. 我會記得, 彼時我感覺小可討厭伊.
M̄-koh 今我了解 ah, he 是誠正常 ê 代誌. 是按怎彼時我毋知, 敢有啥比處決 koh 較重要, 終其尾, he 是查埔人唯一真正興趣 ê 代誌?
我若會當行出這个監獄, 我定著欲去看逐場 ê 處決. M̄-koh 我想, án-ne 毋著, 根本無 hit-lō 可能. 因為, 若想著一个好天 ê 早起, 我發現家己是一个自由 ê 人, 徛 tī 警方圍索 ê 外面 -- 著, 是 tī 外面 -- 做一个觀眾來遮看, 事後 koh 會當離開, 走去吐, 想著這, 我 ê 嚨喉 tō 夯起一陣惡毒 ê 歡喜. M̄-koh, 我 án-ne 想並無合理. Kā 家己予這種空想掠去, án-ne 毋著, 因為事後我 tō 感覺真寒, 著勼 tī 毯仔 ni̍h, 勼 kah ná 一粒球, 喙齒 koh khia̍k-khia̍k 叫, 擋 mā 擋袂恬.
M̄-koh mā 真自然, 你無可能一直真理性. 有時陣, 我想欲訂新 ê 法律. 我欲改革刑罰 ê 制度. 我理解, 上重要 ê 代誌是愛予罪人一个機會. 甚至干焦千分之一 ê 機會, mā 值得 án-ne 改.
所以, 在我看, 咱會使發明一種化學品, he 若予患者食落 (著, 我 kā 犯人叫做 "患者"), 十人有九人會死. M̄-koh 著先予伊知 -- 這是唯一 ê 條件.
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11
11.1
For the third time I've refused to see the chaplain. I don't have anything to say to him; I don't feel like talking, and I'll be seeing him soon enough as it is. All I care about right now is escaping the machinery of justice, seeing if there's any way out of the inevitable. They've put me in a different cell. From this one, when I'm stretched out on my bunk, I see the sky and that's all I see. I spend my days watching how the dwindling of color turns day into night. Lying here, I put my hands behind my head and wait. I can't count the times I've wondered if there have ever been any instances of condemned men escaping the relentless machinery, disappearing before the execution or breaking through the cordon of police. Then I blame myself every time for not having paid enough attention to accounts of executions. A man should always take an interest in those things. You never know what might happen. I'd read stories in the papers like everybody else. But there must have been books devoted to the subject that I'd never been curious enough to look into. Maybe I would have found some accounts of escapes in them. I might have discovered that in at least one instance the wheel had stopped, that in spite of all the unrelenting calculation, chance and luck had, at least once, changed something. Just once! In a way, I think that would have been enough. My heart would have taken over from there. The papers were always talking about the debt owed to society. According to them, it had to be paid. But that doesn't speak to the imagination. What really counted was the possibility of escape, a leap to freedom, out of the implacable ritual, a wild run for it that would give whatever chance for hope there was. Of course, hope meant being cut down on some street comer, as you ran like mad, by a random bullet. But when I really thought it through, nothing was going to allow me such a luxury. Everything was against it; I would just be caught up in the machinery again.
Despite my willingness to understand, I just couldn't accept such arrogant certainty. Because, after all, there really was something ridiculously out of proportion between the verdict such certainty was based on and the imperturbable march of events from the moment the verdict was announced. The fact that the sentence had been read at eight o'clock at night and not at five o'clock, the fact that it could have been an entirely different one, the fact that it had been decided by men who change their underwear, the fact that it had been handed down in the name of some vague notion called the French (or German, or Chinese) people-all of it seemed to detract from the seriousness of the decision. I was forced to admit, however, that from the moment it had been passed its· consequences became as real and as serious as the wall against which I pressed the length of my body.
At times like this I remembered a story Maman used to tell me about my father. I never knew him. Maybe the only thing I did know about the man was the story Maman would tell me back then : he'd gone to watch a murderer be executed. Just the thought of going had made him sick to his stomach. But he went anyway, and when he came back he spent half the morning throwing up. I remember feeling a little disgusted by him at the time. But now I understood, it was perfectly normal. How had I not seen that there was nothing more important than an execution, and that when you come right down to it, it was the only thing a man could truly be interested in? If I ever got out of this prison I would go and watch every execution there was. But I think it was a mistake even to consider the possibility. Because at the thought that one fine morning I would find myself a free man standing behind a cordon of police--on the outside, as it were-at the thought of being the spectator who comes to watch and then can go and throw up afterwards, a wave of poisoned joy rose in my throat. But I wasn't being reasonable. It was a mistake to let myself get carried away by such imaginings, because the next minute I would get so cold that I would curl up into a ball under my blanket and my teeth would be chattering and I couldn't make them stop.
But naturally, you can't always be reasonable. At other times, for instance, I would make up new laws. I would reform the penal code. I'd realized that the most important thing was to give the condemned man a chance. Even one in a thousand was good enough to set things right. So it seemed to me that you could come up with a mixture of chemicals that if ingested by the patient (that's the word I'd use: "patient") would kill him nine times out of ten. But he would know this--that would be the one condition.
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